


Constellations

by Cuddlelester



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, Teenagers, highschool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2020-06-24 03:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 36
Words: 43,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19715134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cuddlelester/pseuds/Cuddlelester
Summary: Being gay in a homophobic neighbourhood wasn't easy. Making friends was near impossible, especially once they learned about Dan's terrifying past. He lived his life alone, the stars being his only friend. It wasn't until his new neighbour came along and gave him something to live for.(There is mentions of rape in this story but it doesn't happen in the story)





	1. The New Boy

It was chilly out today just as the weatherman on the tv predicted. Grey clouds covered the morning sky as it prepared for the inevitable snow fall this afternoon.

"Get going or the bus will leave without you again," my mom snapped at me from the livingroom.

I groaned as I pulled on my grey jumper, "I know, I'm going."

High school was the bane of existance, but I was already half way through the year. Soon enough I would be out of that stupid place for good.

I quickly stuffed my sketchbook inside my bag and zipped it up. As hard as it was, I tried not to doodle on my school work seeing as my teachers hated it.

"Bye," I shouted to my mom as I slammed the front door shut behind me.

Waiting for the bus sucked. I hated standing at the end of the driveway in shitty weather only to get laughed at once on the bus.

I clutched my bag tightly as my eyes wandered up to the sky. Even though it was just a bland white tone, I still admired its colour. 

Someday I would touch the clouds, like I had wished since I was a young boy. I couldn't help by smile as I imagined how they would feel flowing between my fingers.

A loud honk interrupted my daydreaming as my middle aged bus driver grew impatient with me, "Are you coming or what?"

The bus driver, Charlie, never liked me. I didn't really know why he hated me, but I assumed it was because he hated his job. Come to think of it I don't think I've ever seen him smile in my four years of high school.

I tries my best to ignore the regular stares I recieved as I made my way onto the bus. So many thoughts crowded my brain as I made my way to my regular spot near the front of the bus.

I wondered why people hated me the way they did, as if I had personally done something to hurt their precious feelings. It wasn't my fault that my life was as messy as it was, but I guess nobody could ever understand that.

"Is this seat taken?" A cheery voice interrupted my thoughts.

I looked up in confusion, a boy with black hair standing in front of me in the isle way. For a brief moment he took my breath away, a feeling I had never experienced before. His blue eyes danced in the sunlight as he awaited my answer.

"N-no," I stuttered suddenly feeling my heart skip a beat.

Who was this boy and why was he talking to me? His eyes look like they were made from the bluest skies, and I found it hard to pry my eyes from him as he took a seat beside me.

"I'm Phil. I believe I'm your new neighbour!" He told me with a grin as he placed his bag on the floor between his feet.

New neighbour? I guess they finally sold that beautiful house beside ours. Its funny how many people turned it down just because of how our house looked.

"I'm Dan," I stammered, still unsure how respond to his kind words.

I felt my cheeks glow as I seen the excitement on his face. Why did this beautiful boy make me feel _different_? Never have I ever looked at anyone and smiled, but somehow it came naturally with him.

"You're really gonna talk to that freak?" Someone scoffed as he leaned over our seat. "He's _gay_ you know."

I frowned and looked down at the slush on the bottom of my shoes, watching the water drip to the floor as the silence grew between us. Phil would find out sooner or later that I was a loser, just like everyone else.

Phil rolled his eyes with a sigh, "Theres nothing wrong with being gay."

That was definitely something I hadn't heard anyone around here say before. But it was his first day after all, eventually he would realize what kind of trouble you could get in if people found out.

At least thats what I had assumed. Everybody had been giving me shit for being gay ever since word got out about my past. I wasn't even gay but there was no use fighting them.

"Gross," He replied before turning back around, shaking his head in disbelief.

I looked back up at Phil, his sparkling blue eyes throwing me for a loop. Had he just defended me?

His innocent smile left me dumbstruck as I forced my eyes away from his. My stomach fluttered, making me wonder if I was sick. I guess staying up late last night was a bad idea.

"We're friends now," Phil chirped happily as he leaned back in his seat.

Just like that I felt my entire life change right before my eyes. Everybody usually turned a blind eye to the cruel things people said to me; fleeing as soon as they caught wind of me being gay.

I spent everyday of highschool riding the bus alone, other students would much rather sit on the floor rather than sit with me.

Until today.


	2. Snow

Snow always amused me. There was just something about the world being tucked in by a white fluffy blanket that made me feel nice inside. It did make stargazing difficult, but I knew I would meet with the them again soon enough.

I felt my socks begin to dampen in my shoes, forcing me to peer down at my black converse under my desk. A thin layer of melting snow lined the bottom on my feet, seeping through the fabric and into my socks. I sighed knowing I would have to go the whole day with wet socks.

My mom used to yell at me to wear my boots when I was younger, but I never listened. She didn't really care all that much, and they were to clunky to walk in all day.

"Alright class, you can go. Just remember to do the homework for tomorrow," My math teacher grumbled, annoyed that he had lost the attention of his students. 

I pulled my binder closed as people began to spill out of the classroom. I sighed once more at my damp socks as I stood up, the melted water squishing between my toes. I never understood people liking the feeling of things between their toes. It was such a foreign feeling to me that even just the thought of it made me want to throw myself into a volcano.

"Hello!" A friendly voice hummed as I exited my classroom.

I should have known that he would meet me here. This bright boy refused to leave me alone for whatever reason over the past few days. Although I didn't mind the company, it was weird having someone around. I greeted him with a nod and a small smile.

"What are you doing?" I asked the cheery boy standing in front of me.

"Meeting you for lunch? I brought some sandwiches we could share," He gleamed, pressing his lips together in a thin smile. "Oh! Right, I also- aren't you excited? I also brought you some cake from my brothers birthday last night! I didn't know if you liked it, but everyone likes cake. Especially chocolate."

"I'm not hungry," I shrugged with a frown, looking down at my feet. Immediately feeling absolutely terrible for turning down his offer. 

After you get used to not eating at school everyday, it becomes a bit of a routine. Maybe one day, but not today.

"Right. That's fine," He grinned and pulled his books close to his chest.

"Don't worry about it," I comforted him as we began to walk. 

It was still weird to actually be beside somebody during lunch and not in my usual spot, hiding in a bathroom stall.

"So what are you hobbies?" He quizzed as he returned to his cheery self.

I thought about it for a moment. My hobbies? Drawing, stargazing, and just watching the sky. I frowned at that thought. I wasn't very exciting. In fact I knew that I wasn't exciting. That's why nobody wanted to be around me. I couldn't wrap my head around why Phil had stuck to me like a leech. I was beginning to think that even if I wanted him to leave, he wouldn't.

"I don't really do anything," I told him as we entered the Cafeteria, a forbidden place that I usually avoided at all costs.

"You have to do something for fun," he insisted as we approached a small group of people.

He was determined to find out more about me. But why? There were much more cooler students in this school. Hell, some girl from my math class could multiply and divide any numbers mentally almost instantly.

So why did he consider me the best candidate? Simply because we were neighbours? I mean somebody was actually talking to me, so I shouldn't really be complaining. But I couldn't help but wonder if it was worth the trouble, especially if I was going to get to attached to him only for him to leave me stranded.

"That's sketchbook boy," Somebody piped up from behind us.

I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked around for an escape. Teachers didn't supervise the cafeteria, which is why it made for one of the best places to be openly bullied. If we weren't careful, they would show Phil just exactly what kind of punishment being gay got you around here.

"Sketchbook? You must like to draw then," Phil assumed with a proud smile. "You should show me sometime."

I nodded and clutched onto my binder tightly. I shouldn't have come here, not with someone who actually might like me.

"Hey its gay boy," A boy spit as he pushed past me. "Careful, he's got aids."

I sighed at the thought of my dad as he walked away chuckling to himself. Usually people were a lot worse to me, especially here. Maybe having Phil around wouldn't be that bad after all, as selfish as that sounded.

"What happened with your father?" Phil asked delicately and tilted his head.

I turned on my heels and began walking back into the hallway. The thought of ignoring him arose in my mind, but I quickly pushed it away. He was only trying to be nice after all.

"Nothing," I muttered and clenched my books tightly. "Nothing at all."


	3. Constellations

Have you ever been outside on those winter nights, where the sky is finally visible again after it snows? Tonight was one of those nights.

It had been almost a week since I first met Phil. Ever since we started hanging out I hardly ever got beat up. Only a few times in the bathroom, or in between classes.

For some strange reason they didn't touch me at lunch anymore. Maybe it was because of Phil's presence; there was something about that porcelain boy that kept them at bay.

I pulled my knees up tightly against my chest as I sat on the roof that hung over the back of my house. It was easy to get too because of the window in my bedroom. I looked up at the sky and felt a smile find its way to my cheeks as my eyes leaped from one star to the next.

"You watch the stars too?" I heard a voice ask, startling me slightly.

I looked around in confusion, eventually spotting Phil on the rooftop next door.

"Do you?" I gasped.

"I do now. Want to join me?" He asked softly and patted the spot beside him. "It's more fun with company."

I twisted my lips as I looked around. "How would I even get over there?" I thought out loud.

He looked around and then pointed to a tree that separated the two houses. A large branch sat in the space between the rooftops. "Use that branch?"

"What the hell," I huffed to myself as I stood up. "Hold on then."

I walked over to where the branch was, causiously pulling myself onto it. Phil waited for me on the other side, extending his hand for me to grab.

I grabbed it tightly as I felt myself lose my balance. He quickly pulled me off of the branch, causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards.

I gasped as he pulled me down with him, forcing me to fall on top of him. I swallowed hard as I felt my cheeks grow warm against the frosty air. Our faces only inches apart. I had never been this close to anybody before, let alone a boy.

"Thanks," I mumbled and quickly rolled off of him.

He grinned and turned towards me as he flipped onto his stomach, "Anytime Howell."

I smiled lightly as I caught my breath, "So you like to watch the stars too, huh?"

He shrugged, "I guess you could say that. I seen you out here the other day and I was curious. You seemed very content with what you were doing."

"You were watching me?" I asked, embarrassed by the thought.

The blue eyed boy chuckled as his warm breath turned to mist and blew away in the breeze, "Yes I was. I knew you had to have some sort of hobby."

"Really?" I chuckled and shook my head, allowing my now frosted curls to dance in the air.

Phil nodded, his small grin fading as he looked up at the sky.

"May I ask what happened to your dad?" He breathed lightly.

I guess he would have to find out sooner or later. Not that I didn't trust him, but I was scared to tell him. Letting him in on this part of my past was a big step for me, especially something this tragic. Maybe telling him the truth before he heard the rumours would be better.

"He left a while back," I hunmed, not wanting to tell him all the juicy details yet.

Phil didn't need to know how he used to leave beautiful swirls of colour across my body or what he used to do after a few beers.

He frowned and placed a hand on my arm, rubbing his thumb back and forth lightly, "I'm sorry."

I felt my stomach begin to twist as I flinched at his action. I didn't mean to, but somehow he got the message after I had.

"Oh Dan. I'm- it's okay," He told me softly with a comforting smile as he drew his hand back to his side.

"What are you sorry for? You just startled me," I lied as my eyes tried to avoid his.

"I didn't mean it," he replied warmly and looked back up at the sky.

I played with my fingers silently as I observed him for a moment. He looked so calm. So at ease with himself - pleased even. What was his deal anyway? How was he so comfortable in his own skin?

"Do you ever wonder what's out there?" He asked, breaking my thoughts.

I nodded as I looked back up at the sky. One day I would go to space and give my mom a reason to be proud of me.

One day.


	4. Headaches

Do you ever feel like the world around you is crashing down? Every single thing a weight on your shoulders, pulling you down until you can't physically hold it in anymore?

Your head throbbing so much you can't see straight? 

Today was one of those days.

I had been debating whether or not I should even go to school today. But the way my mom looked this morning as she rushed out the door to her new job, made me realize that I should at least try to make it through the day. I didn't want to end up at some dead end job, struggling to keep food on the table like her.

My eyes fluttered shut every now and then in attempt block out the dangerous beams of light that burned into my eyes. Waiting for the bus sucked on days like these, every car that passed caused my head to pound even harder. I had taken some medicine before I left the house, but it never seemed to work.

"Good morning, Daniel!" Phil's cheery voice chirped from beside me.

I opened my eyes and looked over to my left where a brightly dressed Phil now stood.

"Hey Phil," I replied quietly, wishing he wouldn't be so loud.

"Lovely morning isn't it? The suns out and I'm wearing my favourite yellow jumper!" He beamed and adjusted the bag on his shoulder.

"Sure," I exhaled, squinting as his loud voice echoed around inside my brain.

He ignored my dull attempt at being excited as the bus pulled up in front of us, slowly rolling to a stop.

"Good Morning!" Phil chirped to Charlie, who rolled his eyes in response.

I followed Phil to our seat at the front of the bus, where he quickly moved towards the window. I sighed for a moment as I debated whether I should sit alone or not, but before I could make my decision we had began moving.

I stumbled backwards as we began to move. Suddenly my thoughts of sitting alone had disappeared as I was quickly tugged into my seat by Phil.

"Be careful," he warned, his soft voice almost soothing the pounding inside my head.

"Sorry," I breathed and ran my hands up my face, into my soft brown hair.

We were silent for most of the ride. I think it was mostly just Phil getting the chance to think all the ridiculous things to say to me over the lunch break.

"So I was thinking," Phil paused and looked at me, smiling once he realized I was listening. "We should stargaze again tonight!"

I thought about it for a moment before I agreed. Part of me just wanted to stay in tonight, but I never had someone want to do anything with me before. The sound of Phil's company sounded quite comforting, especially after the long day I was about to have.

"Okay," I said as cheerfully as I could.

"Great! Meet on the roof around 8 okay?" He replied briskly as the bus neared the school. 

I sighed at the sight of school. It was the last place I wanted to be right now. All I wanted was to be in bed where it was dark and quiet, away from the pain school brought me.

Phil tugged at my sleeve lightly, stopping me from getting lost in my thoughts, "Come on, i'll help you off this time."

"Hurry up," Someone huffed impatiently from behind us. 

The bus hadn't even reached a full stop yet and people were already wanting off. In a way I didn't blame them, I used to do the same thing. But today was different, for once I actually didn't mind taking my time getting off.

I could feel myself getting more and more attached to Phil as the days flew by. There was something about the way he talked to me that made me feel quite fond of him. For the first time in forever, I felt safe.

I got up as soon as the bus stopped, afraid that if I didn't people would get angry. Phil held onto my sleeve lightly as he lead me off of the bus, causing me to smile.

"There you go," He said proudly as we walked onto the sidewalk. "Safe."

I shook my head and tried to wipe the stupid grin off of my face, "You're ridiculous, Phil."

He smirked, obviously proud of himself for some reason, "You know what we should do?"

I furrowed my eyebrows as we walked inside to the library, where we planned to sit until we had to leave for our classes.

"Whats that?" I asked a bit confused.

"We should have a sleepover! That would be so fun!" He rose his eyebrows in excitement as we sat down at one of the couches.

"What's a sleepover?" I accidentally blurted out loud.

Phil looked at me with utter disbelief, "You've got to be kidding me, Dan! You've never had a sleepover?!"

I shook my head slowly as he stared at me, his mouth gaping open.

"You sleep over at somebody's house for a night or two and play games and eat popcorn until 3 am. Please it'll be fun!" He begged, his voice dripping with excitement.

"When?" I asked a bit nervously.

Phil thought about it for a moment before throwing his finger into the air.

"How about tonight? Its a Friday!" He buzzed, his blue eyes lighting up like christmas lights.

I twisted my lips, thinking for a moment. My mom was going to work this weekend, not like she would care where I was going anyways. So it was either I stayed home alone or I had the sleepover with Phil.

"I'll ask my mom after school," I lied as I forced a small smile onto my face.

He jumped to his feet, heaving his bag onto his shoulder, "I have so much to plan!"

I looked at him like he was crazy. Plan? We were just going to sleep in the same house, right? What did he even have to plan?

He reached out his hand for me to grab as the bell rang. "Phil wait-" I started as I took his hand.

He pulled me to my feet with a smile before I could finish what I was saying.

"Can't wait. Gotta get to class," He giggled as he began to walk away without me.

I stared at him for a moment, admiring his innocence. He paused once he realized I wasn't beside him, prompting him to look back at me, "You coming or what?"

I nodded and jogged over to him. The pounding in my head had steadied, though the pain was still there. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all.

Phil made me follow him to his locker on our way to class. He opened it and pointed to the bottom shelf, "Here put your bag in there and just take what you need. Meet me back here at lunch."

"Okay?" I responded, a bit confused as to why he wanted me to put my stuff inside his locker, but I didn't exactly have time to think about it.

First period was as it usually was, stressful but not too bad. Second period was boring as hell, probably because it was math class. I watched the minutes tick by, every minute feeling like an eternity.

"Five more minutes," I thought to myself. "Than I can see Phil."

Suddenly the loud buzz of the PA system interrupted our silent classroom. The principals voice echoed throughout the entire school.

"Could Daniel Howell report to the office, please. Daniel Howell. Thank you."

Suddenly all eyes were on me. I wanted to melt away as I stood up. A lump in my throat as I picked up my stuff.

"E-excuse me," I sputtered quickly before shuffling out of class.

I neared the office and I seen my mom waiting for me. My headache suddenly got ten times worse.

"What's going on?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

She turned to me, quickly engulfing me in a hug. I hugged her back with one arm nervously, "Mom, are you okay?"

She pulled away, covering her face and shaking her head. Suddenly I realized she was crying, but I didn't want to believe it.

"Daniel baby," she mumbled almost too quiet to hear. "Your grandma died."

I looked back up at her as all the blood drained from my face. This couldn't be happening.

"I need to go help your uncle with the funeral. Do you want to come?" She asked with a sniffle.

I shook my head. Not my grandma. No, it couldn't be true. My mom took a ragged breath before wiping her eyes with a nod.

She looked down into my now teary eyes, "Stay out of trouble until I get back, okay?"

I agreed and hugged her tightly. I wanted to cry so bad. Especially once she had left.

Just like that, I was alone again.

"Dan? Are you alright?" A familiar voice asked from behind me.

That's right.

I forgot,

_I wasn't alone now._


	5. Home

"I want to go home," I spat as I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from my brown eyes.

Phil pulled me from the office into the hallway and put a hand on my shoulder. A worried look on his face, "It's lunch time now, we can just go for a walk to relax.. Okay?"

I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my tossed curls, "You don't understand Phil. I can't be here right now. I need to leave."

Phil twisted his lips as he thought for a moment, "Hold on, don't go anywhere."

I shook my head as he walked away from me, pulling his phone from his pocket and pressing it to his ear. I couldn't tell exactly what he was doing, but I waited for him regardless.

I already knew that if I wanted to go home I could. So that would be my back up plan, I guess. Suddenly I was beginning to rethink our plan for a sleepover.

Phil returned a few minutes later, immediately making me feel guilty about almost suggesting we call the whole sleepover thing off. He held out his hand as he put his phone away, "Lets go."

"Hold on. Where are we going?" I questioned, leaving his hand hanging. I could never tell with this boy.

He smiled widely slid his hands in his pockets, "Home. As you wanted."

"What do you mean?" I bit my lip and began to follow him as he walked away from me.

He turned to face me as we walked down the empty hallway, "My moms going to pick us up."

"Us?" I asked and stopped in my tracks.

He stopped to answer my question before walking again, "Yep! She said we can just go back to my house. She works down the road so she agreed to pick us up! That way you can relax and we can start our sleepover early."

I chewed at the inside of my cheek for a moment. Is that what I wanted to do? My only grandma had just died. I didn't even know if I still wanted to go have fun with Phil.

"Hey she's here!" Phil called from the doors.

I looked up to find him impatiently holding the door open for me. "C'mon Danny boy," He smirked.

What choice did I have now? She was already here, waiting for us. Fuck, looks like I didn't have a choice after all.

"I-I'm coming," I sputtered and jogged to catch up with him.

I wasn't sure how I felt about going to someone else's house. Though I did wonder what his house looked like. The only other house ive ever been to was my grandmas, and now she was gone.

"Hello boys! How was your day?" A warm friendly voice greeted us as we neared the small green car.

"Great! This is Dan, the boy from next door," Phil beamed and motioned towards me.

I waved as fits of butterflies fluttered in my stomach. The lump in my throat suddenly felt too big to swallow. I forced out a ragged hello as we joined her in the car.

"I'm sorry about your loss," his mom said sadly as we began to drive.

I had no idea how to respond, so I just nodded silently. We were quiet the rest of the ride home, which funnily enough made me feel better.

It felt weird to walk right past my house and towards a different door. Phil smiled as he waved his mom off.

"Here's my home," he chuckled and pushed the door open.

A smile pulled at my lips as I was greeted by a small grey cat, meowing at my feet, "You have a cat?"

"That's whiskers," He chuckled and shut the door behind us.

I knelt down to pet him while Phil took off to change his clothes.

"What a good kitty," I mumbled and scratched his head lightly.

We used to have a cat back when we lived with my dad, until one day I came home from school to my dad throwing her off our old balcony while he was drunk. She ran away then and never returned, I don't blame her.

I sighed and hugged Whiskers for a moment before I stood up to go find Phil. I found him just down the hallway, wearing a cotton muse t-shirt and some basketball shorts that were a little too loose on him. I watched him struggle with the wrapper on a fruit roll-up until he noticed me.

"Lets go up to my room, okay?" He smiled mischievously and darted up the stairs before I could agree.

I let out a small puff of air and followed him up the stairs, following him to an open door just down the hallway. I stopped when I caught glimpse of how beautiful his room was. A string of fairy lights ran along the edge of his headboard and up along the wall, lighting up the small potted plants that sat along his bedside dresser.

"This is really cool," I admitted as he laid on his bed.

"You like it?" He smiled widely as he tossed the wrapper from his snack into the garbage. "It takes a lot of work to keep those plants from dying, you know."

I nodded and sat on the bed with him, still dumbstruck from the rooms beauty. He smiled and messed my hair before reaching for a remote and turning on a movie.

"I'll get some snacks and you a pair of clean clothes. Be right back!" He told me before disappearing downstairs once more.

I laid down on the bed and pulled a pillow over my head to hide my smile. It smelled fresh, like a flower garden or something of the sort.

Phil returned shortly after with a bowl of popcorn, some water bottles and a pair of his clothes for me to wear.

"I hope this is good enough," he pondered to himself as he passed me the clothes.

I nodded in agreement, "This is more than enough, don't worry."

He chuckled and left for me to change, returning once I was done. I was definitely feeling better. Even though the movie was one I had seen before, I was excited to watch it with Phil.

The movie hadn't really gotten to the main problem before I felt myself falling asleep. It had been a long day and I could feel my headache slipping away as my eyes fluttered shut. Phil chuckled lightly and played with my hair gently. Which was weird at first, but strange enough felt really nice.

I felt my eyes flutter shut once more, but this time I let them. I knew I needed some rest, I just didn't intend on it being so soon.

"Sleep well Howell," Phil whispered softly in my ear as I felt myself slowly slipping away.


	6. Sleepy

I woke up in a haze, sometime I guessed to be in the middle of the night. I didn't know where I was at first, which is never a good feeling.

Hesitantly I pulled myself up slowly and looked around. Relief washed over me as I realized where I was. Never did I think id wake up in Phil's bed, swimming in blankets.

I almost forgot of the things that went on yesterday. I didn't intend on sleeping for as long as I did, but I guess I needed it.

Sleep was something that I didnt get much of at my house, so I was thankful that I felt safe enough to do so here.

My eyes wandered around his dimly lit room, eventually settling on Phil. I frowned at the sight of him on the floor. Some strange part of me wanted to find him cuddled up beside me.

It was selfish of me to want him in the bed beside me. He had every reason not too sleep with me, of course. We had really just met after all. And although I was kind of stubborn about this whole thing at first, I couldn't imagine life without him now.

I stared at him for a few minutes as he slept on the floor. He could have easily moved me from his bed, but he opted for the carpet and a thin blanket instead.

He looked cold wrapped in that small blanket, but peaceful nonetheless. I thought about waking him up, but the glowing alarm clock reading three am stopped me. I sighed and laid back down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. It was going to be impossible to get back to sleep knowing I wasn't at home.

It was a weird feeling, being in someone elses bed. One that tightened my chest and made my stomach churn. Maybe I was just homesick.

I laid in silence as I thought about my grandma. Although I was never close to her, she still held a special place in my heart. I moved my hands over my face quickly as tears threatened to push from my eyes.

A prolonged jagged breath escaped my lips as I choked back tears, eventually allowing the tears to win. I pressed my fingers against my eyes tightly, the tears slowly leaking through my fingers and flowing down my cheeks.

"Dan?" A soft, gentle voice arose from the floor.

I quickly wiped the fresh tears from my face, trying to stay as quiet as I could as I tried to catch my breath.

"Are you alright?" Phil asked comfortingly once he realized I was crying.

I sighed heavily, maybe if I didn't move he would leave me alone. Always worked on my mom when she used to come into my room to check on me.

I sniffled as quietly as I could, only causing more tears to spill from my brown eyes. The harsh dry heaving began and I felt myself begin to lose control. My grandma was dead, my dad wished I was dead, and my mom never had time for me. Phil didn't deserve a friend like me, I was a mess.

My eyes closed tightly as I began to cry harder into my hands. I paused as I felt the bed shift slightly as Phil sat beside me. Quickly pulling me into a hug.

"It's okay. I'm here," Phil cooed.

I couldn't help but sob into his shoulder as he squeezed me tightly, his warm arms holding me close to his body.

It took me a while but with small backrubs and Phil humming encouragement in my ear, I settled down. My sobs now uneven hiccups, my breathing uneven and choppy. If there was one thing for sure, I was tired now.

"Better?" Phil asked, his voice gentle.

I nodded and sputtered out a thank you as I wiped my eyes. A smile found its way to Phil's face as he pulled me close. The late hours began to catch up with me as I let my head droop into the dip of his shoulder.

"I'm always here for you. Got that?" He promised and ran his fingers through my hair until my breathing evened out.

"Why are you so nice to me?" I mumbled against his warm skin.

He pulled away and looked into my eyes, his arms still around my waist, "Because you're my friend, Dan. It's what friends do."

I stayed quiet as I tried to figure out what I did to deserve a friend like Phil. Nothing immediate came to mind.

"You know," I hummed quietely. "You make me feel safe."

Although I had felt embarrassment telling Phil this, it was true. He made me feel things that I had never felt before. Things I thought I'd never feel.

Phil chuckled softly, a shy smile on his face, "Let's get some sleep, you must be tired now."

"I am," I agreed with a nod.

I fiddled with my fingers as Phil crawled to the edge of the bed. His warm embrace leaving me exposed and cold.

"Don't go," I pleaded desperately.

Phil turned back to me with a smile and without saying a word he crawled back and plopping himself down beside me.

He chuckled and looked up at the ceiling, "Tomorrow were going to have a lot of fun."

"We are?" I asked, still surprised that he had accepted my request.

"We can watch some movies and play board games," He turned to face me. "And most importantly, we can have some hot chocolate."

I swallowed hard as I forced myself to nod. It was impossible for me to think with our faces so close; his minted breath hitting my face as he spoke. I tried not to stare, but my curiousity got the best of me. My heart beating hard in my chest as I admired his peachy lips.

"Have you ever had a best friend Dan?" He asked softly, his blue eyes batting slowly as the late hours caught up with him.

I thought about it for a moment, "No, never."

Phil smiled widely, "I'm your first?"

"My first everything really," I replied, keeping my eyes locked with his.

He stared back into my eyes for a moment before he spoke, making the butterflies dance in my stomach.

"So I make you feel safe?" He asked softly, keeping his eyes on mine.

I nodded with embarrassment. The thought that he might leave me some day making my happiness subdue.

Before I could think of any more destructive things, Phil leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss onto my forehead. My eyes widened and my cheeks heated as he wrapped an arm around me.

"Goodnight Howell," He mumbled softly as his eyes fluttered shut.

I smiled widely as he pulled me close. Maybe it was because I was tired, but I couldn't help but think of what kissing him felt like.

Even though I would never admit to it, I was starting to feel things I never thought I'd feel with another man. But I wasn't gay, right? This was just me over exaggerating our friendship. Phil being nice to me didn't mean that he liked me anyways.

There was no way he could ever feel the same way. He was a straight guy. And so was I. At least up until now I thought I was.

I guess love has no boundaries after all. Maybe you were meant to be with whoever made you feel the safest at the end of the day.

"You're warm," Phil cooed lightly as he nuzzled his face into my chest.

"Y-yeah?" I stuttered as blush heated my cheeks.

I most certainly enjoyed this way of sleeping. It turns out that sleepovers weren't so bad after all. I laid there for a moment, enjoying the warmth and protection he provided. It was as if nothing in this moment could ever hurt me because I was with him.

I was,

In love??


	7. Saturday

I awoke feeling completely rested, sitting up quickly as I remembered the things from the night before. Was it all a dream or did Phil and I actually cuddle last night?

I looked around for Phil, finding him no where in sight. A sigh escaped my lips as I laid back down. It had to have been a dream. Nobody could ever love me the way a best friend would.

What even was a best friend? Your favourite friend out of all your friends or the one who was the nicest to you?

"Are you up? I'm going to make breakfast," Phil asked as he wondered into the bedroom.

My eyes widened, "You're making me food?"

He smiled proudly with a nod and sat down beside me on the bed, "Would you like toast, cereal, or pancakes?"

I chose cereal and a piece of toast. I still wasn't feeling used to being somewhere other than my own house, although the other options sounded delicious.

Phil nodded and lead me down to the kitchen where he popped in some toast for the both of us. I watched from the kitchen table patiently as he poured me a bowl of cheerios.

"Good morning, sweetie! What do you have planned for today?" Phil's mom asked me cheerily as she stopped by the table.

"I-I dunno," I stuttered nervously, feeling like a cat had my tongue.

I still didn't know his mom very well. At least not well enough to be comfortable with being called sweetie everytime she seen me.

She chuckled and collected all of her loose papers from the table and put them into a folder from her bag, "Well Phil always has something up his sleeve. I'm sure he has at least eight things planned already."

I nodded with a small smile on my face as I watched her get ready for work.

"You boys behave now. I'll be home at six," She told me as she heaved her bag onto her shoulder.

"Bye mommy! Love you!" Phil called out as she made her way to the door.

"Bye sweetie!" She called back happily.

I thanked Phil as he set a plate of toast infront of me before sitting beside me. He nodded and took a large bite out of his peanut butter toast. I stared at mine for a minute, convincing myself I was hungry enough to eat.

"You know, I was thinking we could watch some TV with whiskers today and maybe some crafts," Phil grinned as he finished up his toast.

"Sounds good to me," I replied, smiling as I remembered that he had a cat.

Once we had both finished up our toast and cereal, Phil brought the dirty dishes into the kitchen and loaded them up in the dishwasher.

I waited for him on the couch in the living room, looking around at my surroundings. It amazed me how many photos could fit onto one wall. People that didn't even look remotely like Phil, spread across the wall in various collages and photo sets.

"Does your family have a dishwasher? It takes forever for me to load it up," Phil chuckled as threw himself down beside me on the couch.

I shook my head. Somehow I had always thought that a dishwasher was a rich person thing, "No I don't."

"Aw that must suck," He chuckled before standing up once more. "Wait here!"

I waited in confusion until he returned a few minutes later carrying a huge box labelled 'Craft Supplies!'

He set the box down carefully on the floor and sat himself down in front of me. I watched as he pulled out two plant pots from the box and placed them down beside the box.

"I was going to decorate these myself, but you can do one!" He told me happily.

"Do you have little siblings or something?" I asked with shock as I eyed up the huge box sitting in front of me.

Phil laughed and began digging through the box, "I'm the youngest."

"Oh," I replied and joined him on the floor.

He handed me a plant pot excitedly, "You can do this one. Its going to be for Franklin, my cactus. And mines for Susan my succulent.

I felt myself smile widely, "You name your plants?"

"Don't you?" He gasped and spread some newspaper on the floor to prevent spills.

I shrugged and looked through the box that held every craft thing I could think of: Paint brushes, paint, glitter glue, sparkles, glitter, at least two pairs of scissors, water colours, a note book, construction paper, lined paper, glue, string, beads and some other things I didn't know the name of.

Phil turned netflix on the tv so we had something to listen to in the background while we painted. He decided on a sitcom, since it didn't really have a big story line that would be difficult for me to catch up on.

A comfortable silence filled the room as we painted our plant pots. I chose an ocean blue colour that mimicked Phil's eyes, where he chose a violet purple.

We shared a few laughs as we listened along to the show. Phil would explain jokes that I didn't understand, which only confused me more.

It took just over an hour but we had managed to finish our plant pots. Phil ended up covering his in cute cat sticker. While I attempted to paint the night sky, of course. Topping it off with the name of his cactus (Franklin) across the pot in what looked like a constellation.

"Yours is so pretty!" Phil gasped as he held it up against the light.

"Yours is cute too," I said with a smile.

We cleaned up our messes and put our masterpieces on the kitchen counter to dry, where they would be out of the way.

After we got comfortable on the couch Phil put a movie on Netflix for us to watch, Whiskers even joined us this time.

We didn't move from our spots up until Phil's mom returned home from work. The weekend was going by so fast that I would be alone again before I knew it.

My life was a rollercoaster that was sometimes scary as hell. But I knew that as long as Phil was along for the ride, somehow I would be okay.


	8. Caring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some violence and a small amount of blood in this chapter.

Monday had came around so fast, and surprisingly enough Phil's mom wouldn't let me go home without my mom picking me up. Which meant that I got to spend an extra night with Phil. Getting ready and going to school with somebody else sure was an experience. I tried not to show it, but I was secretly relieved that I didn't have to go back to my empty house.

Being home alone meant doing absolutely nothing but sleeping or laying in bed the whole day. I was cared for here and I was terrified of going home.

I sat at my desk, tapping my fingers impatiently as I watched the time tick away. Only a few more minutes until I got to go back to Phil's place.

My classmates began to stand and cluster around the door, their things clutched tightly against their chests. I frowned as I thought about walking through the crowded hallways. That was always the worst part of my day, because I was vulnerable then.

I stood slowly as the bell rang and everybody flooded into the halls.

"Goodnight Daniel," my teacher scowled at me as I took my time leaving her classroom.

I nodded back at her as I became one with the flock of rushed teenagers. A sigh escaped my lips as some familiar faces grew closer to me. I bit my lip and looked down at my feet as I walked, hoping they wouldn't notice me.

"Hey faggot," one of them greeted me, pushing the palm of his hand to my shoulder.

I stayed silent as my heart pumped hard against my chest. The other boys laughed along with him as I stumbled to find my footing.

"You're disgusting," he spat as he grabbed my shirt, throwing his other fist into my face.

I attempted to wiggle free, only causing them to throw me onto the floor, my papers scattering everywere. I attempted to collect them all as people trampled all over them without a second thought. I wondered why I even bothered to come to school when the inevitable was bound to happen.

"Kill yourself," He spat before walking away with his friends.

My vision blurred slightly from the impact as my head felt like it was spinning. My eyes closed tightly against my skin as my hands held my face tightly. I decided to lay on the floor in silence as I waited for the pounding in my head to stop.

A minute or so passed before I was able to open my eyes. I lightly dabbed my fingers against my nose, pulling them away to see them lightly coated in blood.

I groaned and wiped my face with the back of my hand. Making sure I was careful not to get anything onto the clothes that Phil kindly let me borrow for the day.

The halls began to empty as I collected the rest od my papers, a thought suddenly popping into my head.

"Fuck. My bus," I cursed to myself as I shoved as many crinkled papers into my binder as I could.

I stood up, immediately getting a head rush. I made a quick attempt to shake it off as I made my way to the bus stop. I didn't care about stopping at my locker to grab my bag at this point, if I did I would miss my bus for sure.

I ran outside to the bus stop, sighing when I reached the empty platform. Though to my surprise Phil was sat waiting for me on the curb.

"Oh there you are!" he exclaimed happily, his expression fading as he seen the blood stains on my face.

Was he crazy? Why did he wait for me when he could be on his way home?

"What are you doing here?" I spat in shock.

He furrowed his brows as he jogged to my side. Quickly he pulled my hand up, running his finger along the dried up blood that crusted on my knuckles, "What happened? Are you okay?"

I jerked my arm away from him, "I'm fine."

"I was waiting for you," He said softly as he moved his arm back to his side.

"But you missed the bus," I argued as I grew frustrated.

He nodded, shoving his chilled fingertips into his pockets, "Yeah I did."

I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at him momentarily, "Why would you do that? Why would you waste your time waiting for me when you could be going home?"

He exhaled through his nose sharply, shaking his head as he turned to me, "You just don't get it do you, Dan?"

"No, Phil. I don't," I replied in confusion, throwing my hands into the air. "Why do you do so much for me?"

"Because I care about you," He snapped back at me.

I froze at his tone of voice, quickly looking up at him. His eyes burned with passion as he paced around the sidewalk. I chewed at my lip, I never was good at confrontation.

Phil groaned with frustration and threw his hands into his hair, tugging at it lightly as his phone beeped in his pocket.

"I should go," I mumbled under my breath as he slid his phone out of his pocket.

Phil couldn't care about me. Everybody who has ever claimed to care about me in the past has left. It was a fake promise people told me until they got what they wanted.

I thought about my mom saying she loved me before she left on friday, for all I knew she wouldn't be back when I returned either. What if she finally got her chance to leave me behind, and she took it?

Phil shoved his phone back into his pocket as I began to walk away. I didn't know where I would go, but I knew that it would hurt less if I was the first to leave.

"Howell," Phil pleaded, his voice deeper than usual. I froze as he jogged to catch up to me. "Come home with me."

I shook my head in disagreement as the cold wind stung at my cheeks, "I can't- I can't keep hanging around you. You're just going to leave me broken and alone."

"Is that why you've been pushing me away? You think I'm going to leave you?" He asked softly, suddenly regretting his anger towards me.

I turned to walk away, staying silent even though it killed me. Phil was the only stable thing in my life, losing him would hurt more than I could ever imagine.

I flinched as I felt his fingers wrap against my wrist. Goosebumps growing along my arms as he pulled me back into him.

My heart skipped a beat as he held me captive to his warm embrace. I remained tense at first, but his warmth began to grow on me; almost forcing me to melt into him.

"You're coming home with me," He repeated, softly into my ear. "I'm not letting you be alone."

I nodded and buried my face into his jacket. Why did he have such a way of getting me to submit to him?


	9. Rooms

We arrived back at Phil's house, as his mom had happily drove us home on her lunch break.

It still boggled my brain that Phil's mom would drop everything for him. My mom was always the type of person who was so tangled up in her own problems that mine had became secondary.

I pushed my shoes off with my toes and nudged them over beside the other ones that sat near the front door. Phil pulled off his jacket and threw it on top of his bag. His fresh smell almost too overwhelming for me to handle.

He motioned for me to follow him as he headed for the stairs. I clutched my books against my chest and followed him up to his room.

Phil let out a small sigh of relief as he laid back on his bed. It was clear he was glad to be home, I was just happy to finally have cleaned up the blood from my face.

"Did you want to go to your house to see if your moms back?" He asked, catching me off guard.

"No," I barked rudely without meaning to.

Phil threw his hands up defensively. I felt bad for snapping at him, but he couldn't see my home. Especially after I got to see how perfect his was.

His house smelled like clean laundry and flowers, while mine smelled like cigarettes and alcohol.

It wasn't my moms fault that after a long day of work all she wanted to do was light up a cigarette with some wheel of fortune.

"Don't you wanna see if she's okay? I'll go with you," He tried to persuade me.

I frantically looked around for an excuse, "No its okay, we can just sit here and play a board game or something!"

Phil swung his feet back and fourth as he sat on the edge of his bed. He looked up at me, his eyes warm and inviting, "Dan, its okay to be scared."

I shook my head, "I'm not scared. I just-"

"I'll be with you. It's okay," Phil interrupted me with his hand on my shoulder.

I jerked away from his touch, "But what if she's not home?"

"Then we come right back. I promise I won't leave you alone," he smiled softly, and took my hand in his.

I nodded and squeezed his hand before looking over at the window. I hadn't watched the stars in a long time. I missed gazing upon the shimmering lights that lived in the night sky.

But it was worth the sacrifice, if I didn't have to be alone right?

My heart pounded hard against my chest as we walked up to the front porch. I pushed open the front door slowly.

"Mom?" I called out to a seemingly empty hallway, before looking back at Phil who was waiting for me just outside of the door

"Is she here?" He asked and stepped inside to join me.

I shrugged and looked around for signs of life, "I don't know."

Phil looked around as I turned on some of the lights, "Your place is so.. Small?"

I tilted my head at him, "You're not going to mention the cigarettes, the alcohol or the mess?"

Phil rose an eyebrow and shut the door behind them. A small smile grew on his face, "This doesn't define you, Dan."

I groaned and leaned against the wall, "You don't have to lie for me, I can take it."

Phil bit his lip as he tried to find the right words to say, "I'm not lying. I dont believe that just because your house is a mess that you are too."

I scoffed and shook my head, "You really mean that?"

"Of course. You think that if I didn't like you, I would try so hard to keep you in my life?" Phil grinned.

I stared at him fondly for a moment, my cheeks warm. Is this what having a best friend was like?

"Let's go," I replied as I tried to wipe the smile off of my face.

I continued on our journey. I figured my mom didn't care enough to come home and I was right as usual. Phil seemed interested in seeing my house, so I gussed that it couldn't hurt. He probably wasn't going to let me stay here by myself though, which wasn't really a problem for me.

"Is this your room?" Phil asked as we neared the top of the stairs.

I looked down the hall to my left. A beaten up wooden door barely hung from the hinges, "Yeah thats mine."

I hadn't been in my room for a few days, so I knew that it would be messy in there. But it didn't seem to bother Phil much.

"Wanna see?" I asked as I looked back to Phil.

He nodded with excitement, making me chuckle. Why did he want to see my dusty old bedroom, anyways?

I jogged down the hall to my door, Phil at my hip. My room was nothing impressive, but it was my safe space.

"Well its nothing amazing," I promised as I pulled the door open.

A shriek erupted from the other side of the room, causing the blood to drain from my faxe. I quickly slammed the door shut and backed away from it as fast as I could, shaking my head with denial.

Phil, equally as shocked, followed me back down the hallway.

"Dan!" My mother called from MY bedroom. "Wait!"

I felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn't stupid, I knew it was exactly what it looked like. How could my mom think that my bedroom was the best place to 'get it on' with some roughed up weirdo?

Phil took my hand, intertwining our fingers. His weird habit of holding my hand was exactly what I needed right now. I squeezed his hand tightly, hiding it behind me as my mom chased after us desperately.

I sighed as I noticed my favourite blue blanket wrapped around her naked body, "Dan honey, it's not-"

"Shut up," I snapped at her, my voice quivering.

She immediately attempted to change the subject, her voice gentle as she turned her eyes to Phil, "You must be Dan's new friend?"

Phil nodded awkwardly, "Yeah."

A deep voice growled back from the bedroom, "Hey bitch, get back here and finish me off."

I wanted to throw up. This was all too much for me, especially with Phil with me.

"C-coming Daryl," My mom called and waved goodbye to me and Phil before returning to my bedroom.

We waited there for a moment, listening to the muffled voices that came from the other side of the door. I had no idea who that asshole was, but there was no way I could sleep in that bed again. Not without thinking of my mom.

He reminded me of my dad, even though I hadn't actually seen him. My dad was the type of person that would order my mom around, especially in the bedroom. I guess that trashy alcoholic was my mom's type.

"Let's go home, okay?" Phil suggested and gently brushed the hair from my forehead.

"Okay," I murmured quietly.

Phil nodded and lead me down the stairs and back to the front door. I was lucky to have him, and I knew that I couldn't hide at his house forever. But I would damned well try.


	10. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rape mention in this chapter!!

"I'm sorry about earlier," Phil sighed lightly, his words fading away with the wind.

I looked over at him as we laid on the snow dusted roof. He chewed on his lower lip as we both stared up at the sky.

"You meant well," I replied softly.

He sat up on his elbows, turning to me. A sudden realization struck him, "That wasn't your father, was it?"

I shook my head and kept my eyes focused on the constellations that flooded the night sky, "No. My dad's name is Mike."

"Did he die?" Phil asked delicately and pulled himself into a sitting position.

I swallowed hard. I didn't want to tell Phil what happened to my dad. Well, I wanted to. But the way everybody else acted when they found out, told me that it was a bad idea. I sighed softly, it was probably better that he didn't know the truth.

"No," I breathed. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"I'm sorry," Phil exhaled and pushed his dark hair back from his forehead.

We laid there for a what felt like an eternity, staring up at the stars. The sky had clouded over and snow began to fall, but that didn't matter to us.

I wanted to say something to break the silence, but I didn't know what the appropriate thing to say was. Part of me wanted to thank him for caring for me as long as he did, even though I haven't been the a very good friend. But I could figure out the right words to say.

"Why?" Phil asked, his voice cracking slightly as the cold air filled his throat.

I shifted in my spot and looked over at him, a bit taken aback. I cleared my throat, "What?"

"You said that he left. Why did he leave?" Phil asked almost stiffly, as he sat cross legged still.

I sighed heavily as I sat up to face him. His eyes met with mine and I could see where this was headed. I knew that he was going to try and coax it out of me sooner or later.

"Phil, I don't really-"

"He hurt you didn't he?" He interrogated, his voice hollow. Almost as if he knew.

I furrowed my eyebrows at his statement. Phil wasn't a therapist, he was just some stupid boy on the roof with me. Why was he wanting such information from me?

"I'm going inside," I stated and crawled back towards the window.

I heard Phil call me back as I pulled myself inside of the metal frame. I dusted the snow from my hair and legs before looking back at the window. I didn't want to talk about my dad, ever.

Phil would never understand that, because he actually had a family who loved him for who he was. He had a mom with a steady job who put food on the table every evening and a father to actually give those stupid school gifts to on fathers day.

His father never forced his face into the shaggy carpet like mine did.

His father never came home drunk and threw his mom around the kitchen.

His father never grabbed him by his tiny wrists and pushed him into the walls.

His father didn't rape him.

Like mine did.

His father actually loved him.

Phil's life was picture perfect. My life couldn't ever compare. I understood that he was trying to help, but I couldn't let him see the part of me that I made so many attempts to leave behind. I took a deep breath and pushed the balls of my hands into my eyes.

I trusted Phil but this was just the way it was meant to be.

"I'm sorry," I heard Phil say from the window. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

I wiped my eyes quickly as he pulled himself through the window. I looked back up at him as he dusted the snow off his body. Why was life so complicated? How does someone like Phil cross paths with someone like me?

I sighed and shook my head, "He did."

He started at me apologetically, his eyes moving across my body as we stood in silence. I quickly avoided his eye contact, because even through the silence I could feel his judgement.

"It's okay Dan," Phil replied softly.

I swallowed hard, balling my hands into tight fists against my sides as I felt myself heat up with frustration, "Phil, he hurt me in ways you would never understand."

Phil waited patiently as I took a deep breath. I was about to tell him my darkest secret, and he wasn't even upset.

"He-he raped me and went to jail," I sighed, feeling every fibre of my being begin to shake.

I awaited Phil's immediate abandonment as I covered my eyes with my hands. But instead of hearing the door slam, I felt his arms wrap around me tightly. Somehow nothing felt different between us, but at the same time everything had changed.

He held his body against mine as I grew frustrated. How could he just say nothing after what I just told him? I shook my head as I felt my eyes begin to water.

I desperately blinked away the tears until I finally couldn't take it anymore. Embarrassment flowed through me as I realized what I had just told him. I felt myself begin to lose control as I clung to Phil like my life depended on it.

"Don't worry. I'm here," He cooed softly in my ear as I cried into his shoulder.

I stayed in Phil's arms until my crying slowed to small hiccups. I pulled away slowly as my lip continued to quiver; tears still streaming down my cheeks. He frowned and carefully wiped my tears away with his thumb.

How could he be so nice to me even after knowing?

"Why ar-aren't y-you-" I attempted to spit out a sentence.

"You'll understand someday," He breathed and moved the stray hairs away from my eyes.

I didn't want to understand some day, I wanted to understand now. I wanted to know why he wasn't laughing or cracking a joke about me being some stupid gay boy. I needed to know why he was acting like he didn't care.

"Why do you care about me s-so much?" I sputtered out as our eyes met.

"Because I'm in love with you," Phil spat, his voice quivering as if he almost regretted ever speaking.

I stared back into his eyes, his hands trembling against my skin. He loved me? What did love mean to him? Did he care about me or did he see a future with me?

How did I respond to something like that? Did he just pity me?

I stayed silent as I tried to pull my thoughts together. What the fuck could I say? Nobody had ever said they loved me before, let alone another guy. How could he put me on the spot like that?

Before I had time to speak, Phil pressed his delicate lips to mine and time suddenly seemed to stand still. I wasn't exactly sure what to do, I had never been kissed before. I felt my cheeks flush a ruby red as Phil held my face in his hands gently.

My lips trembled as I attempted to return the favour. His soft lips felt like home against mine, while his hands moved into my hair. We continued to kiss, the only light coming from the moon. I became more comfortable the longer we kissed, moving my lips in harmony with his.

He pulled away slowly, our faces still inches apart. I attempted to catch my breath as we continued to stare into each others eyes. What had we done? Had we ruined something good? Had we created something better?

Phil backed up, and threw his head back with nervous laughter as he began pacing around the room, "We just- we just kissed!"

I nodded as I tried to hide the panic I was beginning to feel. What did he think of us being together? Did his parents know that he was gay? Was it a mistake? Fuck. Why did Phil make me question my every move?

"I'm in love with you too, " I spoke up, talking over his anxiety.

He paused, his breath mixing with the cool breeze that swept through the open window.

"Y-you are?" He asked quietly to be sure that he heard me correctly.

"I am," I smiled, my cheeks still hot from our shared moment.

Phil grinned from ear to ear and quickly connected our bodies again. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was wanted.


	11. Fun

Last night we got about two feet of snow, just like the weatherman predicted. Which thankfully meant that school buses weren't running today. Any day that I could stay home from school was a good day.

I watched as the fluffy snow fell delicately outside my window, and immediately thought of Phil. We still hadn't talked about what happened the other day. Which made me feel like I made the whole thing up.

There was still that raw feeling when we were together, one that told me that it wasnt just all in my head. 

I leaned back against the headboard of my bed and closed my eyes. I tried my hardest not to think about Phil, but it was harder than I thought it would be.

"Dan! Let me in!" A muffled voice shouted from the other side of my window, followed by a frantic knocking.

A small smile spread across my face as I quickly jumped to open my window.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked Phil as he crawled through and sat beside me.

"It's a snow day," Phil grinned happily. "We can go make a snowman, and watch movies!"

"Or I stay in bed where its warm," I joked playfully, even though I would much rather stay inside.

Phil looked out the window and then turned to me, "How about we go back to my house and drink hot chocolate?"

"I'm literally in my PJs," I exhaled.

"Perfect! You're all ready then," He chirped with excitement.

"Fine. Just let me use the bathroom first," I sighed in defeat. "Be right back."

He nodded as he bounced up and down on my bed. I had put new sheets on it and washed all my bedding, but it would never be the same safe place as it was before.

I shook my head at him before pulling my door shut behind me. It was better to be safe than sorry, especially if my mom heard us talking and suddenly decided to ask why I had a boy over.

I tried to fix my messy hair as I walked down the stairs, it bothered me that it would never sit the way I wanted it too. But I couldn't afford straighten it, so I just had to make do.

"Hey sweetie," my mom cooed from the living room as I walked down the stairs.

I paused, I wasn't really planning on talking to her since the whole incident. But it felt wrong to ignore her.

"Hey mom," I said flatly and waited for her to say something.

She opened her mouth to speak but immediately changed her mind. Instead throwing on a fake smile before continuing her breakfast. I shrugged and kept walking, whatever it was probably was about the other night anyways, and I was still trying to repress that memory.

When I arrived at the bathroom, the door was partially closed. Which was odd for our house, but I shrugged it off.

After I was done I pushed open to door, coming face to face with a tall man I had never met before.

He stared at me as he bit into an apple. I stared back at him, immensely judging his exposed chest hairs and unkept beard. How dare he be shirtless in our house.

"Who are you?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

He scoffed, "The best sex your mother has ever had."

Suddenly it clicked just who he was. My stomach turned and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked, almost as if I was demanding an answer.

The man from the other night, Daryl I think, just chuckled and shook his head, "Who cares? I practically live here."

"No you dont," I snapped, growing increasingly close to losing my temper.

There was no way I was letting someone like my dad live in this house again. I've never been the same since then, and I wasn't about to let it happen again.

"Don't you have a school to go to or something?" He groaned and rolled his eyes at me and began to walk away.

"What makes you think you can just move in here?" I growled, bunching my fists tightly at my sides.

"Get lost or you'll find out," he threatened as he turned to make himself a coffee.

My mom sat still at her spot at the table, not looking at me as I rushed past her. I almost slammed the broken door of my room behind me, startling Phil.

He sat up quickly, looking at me with worried eyes. I had so much on my mind that I almost forgot he was here waiting for me.

"Let's go," I demanded, trying not to project my anger onto him.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Phil asked and joined me at the window.

I took a deep breath before looking up at Phil, "That guy is here."

He looked equally as confused as I was, "Who? Wait- That guy from the other night?"

"Yes. Now can we just go to your house and do stupid fun stuff?" I snapped at him. "I need to get out of here."

Phil nodded, a slight smile on his face as he crawled out of the window. He always had these crazy things planned that I have never even heard of, but it got my mind off of my messed up life. Even just for a few hours.

Once we were out I closed the window behind me, pausing to stare back at my house for a moment. I hoped my mom was alright, but she's been through worse.

"So what do you wanna do first?" Phil asked as we walked along the roof.

"I really just wanna go back to sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night because all I can think about is my mom in my bed," I admitted with a sigh as we reached the end of my roof.

Phil smiled at me softly. His eyes sparkling against the morning sun, "My beds always open."

"Be careful," I warned as I stepped onto to the other side.

I held my hands out for him to grab onto as he jumped over, just in case he slipped. It was still kind of scary being up here like this, but I'm sure id get used to it eventually.

"Well the last thing I want is to get caught by your mom busting into your window at 2am," I continued off of what he was saying before. 

Phil suppressed a chuckle as he opened his window up, "You wouldn't get caught."

"Whatever," I laughed lightly as we climbed into his bedroom.

I dusted myself off as while Phil retreated to change into some comfier pants. 

He was known for getting easily distracted so when he took longer than I anticipated, I decided to venture out to see if he was okay.

I made my way downstairs slowly, the quiet of his house beginning to irk me. It felt like his house was emptier than it usually was.

"Can I help you?" I heard someone ask, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin.

I turned on my heals to see a taller man standing in the doorway, as if he had just got home. He pulled off his coat and hung it on the hook beside him as he waited for my reply.

"Oh- I- I just-Phil," I sputtered nervously, probably leading him to think I was some sort of crazy person. 

He smiled and held out his hand for me to shake, "You must be Dan."

I looked down at his hand nervously, but complied. I didn't even know who this was yet somehow he already knew me. 

He smiled warmly as he shook my hand, "I'm Martyn, Phil's older brother." 

"Um- nice to meet you," I replied awkwardly, trying to remember Phil mentioning having a brother. 

"I'm glad Phil's made a friend. The move was hard on him," Martyn told me and stuffed his chilled hands into his pockets.

"It was not," Phil defended as he joined us in the doorway. "I was just upset that snickers couldn't come with us."

"Snickers?" I asked curiously as my eyes wandered over towards Phil.

Martyn chuckled, shaking his head as he began to walk away, "That was the neighbours dog."

Phil stuck his tongue out at him as he left, thankfully leaving us both alone again. 

"What's all that?" I asked as I noticed the big box he was holding.

"C'mon, I'll show you! It's just some of my old stuff," Phil told me excitedly and took off up the stairs.

We ended up sitting on Phil's bedroom floor looking through his old things for hours. Each item had a story to tell, and Phil made sure to tell me every single one. I almost felt as if I were there with him in each memory, which made me feel really happy.

"You were a little carrot," I gasped as I picked up an old Polaroid photo.

Phil grabbed the photo from me as his cheeks grew red, "Yeah I was a little bit ginger back then."

It wasn't exactly how I seen my day going, but I had fun nonetheless. We inevitably reached the end of the box as Phil's mom arrived home dinner. Somehow she already knew I was over again, but I guessed that Martyn had probably told her.

After we finished our dinner, Phil's mom suggested we all play a game of monopoly. I hadn't played it before, but they taught me how. Turns out monopoly lasts a lot longer than I expected, and we ended up playing into the late hours of the night.

It was the easily the most fun I'd ever had.


	12. Bruises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for getting a little violent !!

"Don't you get it? I _don't_ want you here!" My mom screamed from down the hallway.

Turned out that I was right about my moms new boyfriend. He was exactly like my father was.

I sighed and leaned just far enough over the railing to hear my moms cries from downstairs. It had only been a few weeks since she let him move in. But ever since he did, all they did was fight.

School was out for the holidays now, so unfortunately I got to see a lot of him. It had been two months since Phil and I first met. The more time I spent with him the harder it was for us to be apart.

Phil was with his family for the Christmas holidays, which made me incredibly jealous. My mom and I never celebrated the holidays, mostly because she was hardly ever home.

I wondered what Phil was doing and if they had any tradiotions. There was no doubt that it was probably something fun. His family had decorated their house inside and out with festive ribbons, fairy lights and little ornaments.

They even invited me over to help decorate their Christmas tree, which is something I hadn't done in years. I was beginnings to like Phil's family more than my own, and that scared me.

While Phil was excited for cookies, movies, hot chocolate and cuddling under warm blankets; I was excited to just be safe with him.

My smile faded as I heard the sounds of glass shattering beneath me. Daryl was obviously drunk again. Which inevitably meant more fighting.

This had become a regular occurrence ever since she had let that dangerous man into our home.

I heard loud footsteps acompany a Daryls temper tantrum, "Get in the bedroom or we finally get rid of that disappointment you call a son!"

I felt my stomach knot, I hated that asshole with a passion. I knew he wanted to get rid of me, but I didnt really know why. Probably so that once he murdered my mom there would be no witnesses.

I walked back to my room without saying a word, shutting the door behind me as quiet as I could. Part of me wished that Phil was here, but I knew that was stupid of me.

Thoughts of the stars filled my mind as I stared up at my ceiling. I thought of their beautiful colours and how magical they looked spilled across the cosmos.

My eyes traveled down to my forearm, where bruises painted their own milky way on my skin. Purple, blue, and red swirls covered what once was freckles. It was getting difficult hiding these beautiful creations from Phil.

He was like an astronaut in the way he loved exploring every inch of my galaxy, even the places nobody had ever been before. The fear of losing him always occupied the back of my mind. He was apart of me now and I feared I couldn't live without him had he were to leave.

What if one day I was gone? Would Phil be able to handle that kind of abandonment? I sure couldn't.

"No, Please- not Daniel," My mother cried from the stairway, breaking me from my thoughts.

I inhaled deeply and tried to remain still. Maybe if they thought I was wasn't home, I wouldn't have to hide in Phil's bathroom trying to remove blood stains from my clothes the next time I visited. I exhaled and stared up at the ceiling, hoping to god that they would just leave me alone.

Phil's window screamed my name louder than before now. But I knew it was too late now. The last thing I wanted was for them to follow me.

Their footsteps were already growing louder, causing my heart to pump hard in my chest. It wouldn't be long now before I got more of those bruises.

A knock at my window caused me to scramble out of bed. Phil couldn't be here, not now. It wasn't safe.

Phil smiled widely as I pulled the window open swiftly, "Hey! I missed yo-"

"Get down and be quiet. Do _not_ move," I demanded and slammed the window back down with a frown before he had a chance to ask questions.

I prayed Phil did as I said as I turned, leaning back against the window, I gripped the ledge tightly. My bedroom door glided open, my mom screaming as she followed Daryl. I knew this wasn't going to be pretty.

"You left dishes in the sink," Daryl growled as his hands tightened into fists at his sides. "When I specifically asked you not to."

"I-I'm sorry," I stammered as he cornered me.

My fingers trembled against the windowsill as I felt his knuckles slam against the side of my face. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt the blood rush to my head. It'll all be over soon, I just had to persevere.

My mom sobbed as she desperately tried to pull him off of me, "Don't hurt him!"

I inhaled sharply as he grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulling me towards him. Tears spilling from my sad brown eyes as I adoided his deathly glare.

"You're lucky I don't kill you," He breathed, so close to my face I swear I could taste the alcohol on his breath.

I nodded shamefully, I didn't have an excuse. I was too busy lost in my thoughts to clean my cereal bowl this morning.

"Scum," he spat in my face as he dug his finger nails into my neck.

I felt hot tears spill from my brown eyes as he threw me down, body colling with the wall behind me. My mom still screaming as I curled up into a ball on the floor.

"No!" My mom cried and grabbed him, pulling him back.

He shook her off just long enough to kick my side, "Fucking pathetic."

My mom cried as she begged him to leave. But once he finally did, she begged him not to go.

I laid on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, the world at a stand still. I held my head in my hands as tears continued to flow.

I didnt want to, but I had to move. Phil was still outside waiting for me, and he would want en explanation. How the hell was I supposed to explain this to him?

I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. It hurt to move but I had to do this, for Phil. With a deep breath I managed to grab the edge of the windowsill and pull myself up to my knees.

My world was spinning, my mind dizzy and unstable. I closed my eyes and took a few more deep breaths. Only to find everything had calmed down once I had opened them.

Usually I would lie to myself about being scared, but this time I was terrified. Phil wasn't meant to see that part of my life. That was for me to fight myself; something he wouldn't understand.

I pulled myself to my feet and slowly opened the window, praying that Phil was still there after all ot that.

He was.

I opened my mouth to try and explain myself but Phil immediatly shushed me.

"You don't have to tell me," He hummed softly.

I felt my eyes tear up again as I stared back into his worried eyes. I quickly wiped them and shook my head, I couldn't do this anymore.

"It's okay. I-I'm here," Phil breathed and carefully pulled me into a hug, prompting me to spill a wave of tears onto his shoulder.

I choked back whatever tears where left and pulled away from his safe arms. If we were leaving, we had to leave before he came back for seconds.

Phil understood without me saying a word, smiling softly and leading me back to his house. I was thankful for his acceptance, though it still boggled my mind how nice he was to me.

"Don't worry. You're safe now," Phil promised as we crawled through his window.

I nodded and crawled into his bed, "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

He sat beside me on the bed, looking down onto my fresh bruises, "Don't apologize, it's not your fault."

I looked down at my fingers, moving them back and forth across his fluffy blanket. I'd give him all the stars in the sky if it meant he stayed by my side forever.

"If I had just cleaned my dishes," I sighed tiredly.

"Dan no," he breathed and wrapped an arm around me.

"Forgot about it. What did you come over to say?" I asked as I moved my head to his shoulder, looking up into his beautiful blue eyes.

"That I missed you," He giggled lightly as our eyes met.

A small smile spread across my face as I stared back into his eyes. I felt at home here, and as comforting as that sounded, it terrified me.

I knew that there wasn't much months left until high school was over. Phil would go to University or College and leave me alone, like I always was. We would likely never see each other again.

He would probably meet some pretty girl with a nice family, and he'd have the time of his life. All I was doing was holding him back.

"I missed you too," I replied softly.

Suddenly Phil's eyes lit up, causing him to raise his eyebrows with excitement, "Oh! Also I got you a Christmas present!"

My smile faded at the word present. I had absolutely no money to buy him anything.

"You did?" I asked, feeling extremely guilty for not having something in return.

He nodded with excitement, "Of course! It's under our Christmas tree. You are coming over on Christmas aren't you?"

"I-I didn't get you anything," I stammered as I stared back at him blankly.

He messed my hair with a soft snicker, "That's okay. All I want for Christmas is you."

"Don't be corny," I blushed and looked back down at my fingers.

He stood up and grabbed my hand, tugging at me until I finally stood up, "I'm allowed to be corny. Christmas is next week! Aren't you excited?"

I pursed my lips together with a nod. Christmas for me meant staying hidden in my room in the dark, which I wasn't excited about doing.

"Don't worry. I'll get you into the spirit," Phil promised with a smile and ruffled my hair.


	13. Santa

The past week I had only gone home to sleep, in fear that Phil's mom would catch me if I stayed overnight. I swear Phil's house became more and more festive with every visit.

Today Phil's mom baked little christmas cookies. I liked Phil's mom, she was really nice to me. For some reason, she never asked why I hadn't been home for the holidays.

We sat and ate our cookies while we waited for a Christmas movie to start on the tv. Phil told me it was about a magical man who lived in the north pole. Apperently he brings everybody presents on Christmas and his name was Santa. It seemed a little strange at first, but according to Phil every good little boy and girl got a present from him on Christmas.

"How does he know what they want?" I asked as Phil shoved a little tree shaped cookie in his mouth.

A chuckle escaped his lips as he swallowed, "You write him a letter, silly."

"It's that easy?" I asked him innocently.

He nodded before coming to a realization, "You haven't wrote him yet, have you?"

I shook my head. I had just found out about this 'santa' guy today, how was I supposed to already have written him a letter?

Phil gasped and quickly stood up and fetched me some paper and pens, dropping them on the floor in front of me.

"We're writing him a letter! Just write: Dear Santa, and then tell him what you would like for Christmas," He explained as he grabbed something for us to lean on.

I looked over at him as he sat in front of me cross legged, "But what if I don't deserve it?"

Phil smiled and shook his head, "Santa always has something for you."

I nodded and stared down at the paper in front of me. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted, especially from somebody I hardly knew. Who was reading these letters? He must get a lot of letters, if everybody writes one of these...

Phil watched intently as the movie began, but I couldn't concentrate. My mind just kept wandering back to the blank paper in front of me. I tapped my pencil against my chin as I thought of what I could write about.

What did I want?

I already had what I wanted. A sigh of defeat escaped my lips, I suppose if this magical man was capable of these miracles maybe I could just ask him for a favour. Surely that wouldn't be too much for my first year?

My eyes drifted back down to the paper in front of me as I began to write.

~

_Dear Santa,_

_I'm sorry I didn't write you sooner. I've never even heard of you before, I guess you've been busy. I don't mean to bother you, but my best friend Phil says that I need to tell you what I want for Christmas._

_I've gave it a lot of thought and I think that if I had to ask for anything, I would just ask that you take care of him for me. He means the whole world to me, and I don't think I could live without him. He's my only friend. I know that it's a lot to ask for, but I don't know if I'll be living here much longer._

_Secondly, I've heard that you're capable of giving out 'miracles'. I know that only the people who deserve them receive them. I guess what i'm asking is for a miracle. If somehow you can help me spend my Christmas here with Phil, instead of at home where nobody wants me... That would be great. I've heard how magical Christmas is supposed to be, but_ i've never had a _chance to see one in person. So I_  
 _would like to see what it looks like._

_You don't have to get me anything to open on Christmas, as long as Phil's happy and safe._

_Thank you for your time,_

_Love_ _Daniel.J.Howell_

~

Phil peeked over my shoulder as I finished up my letter for Santa. He smiled with excitment as I folded it up. I handed it to him and he put it into a little envelope. I watched curiously as he wrote the details on the front of the letter and stood up.

I followed him into the kitchen where his mom was happily washing up the dishes. She turned the water off and dried her hands as we entered the kitchen.

"Hello boys. What are you up to?" She asked with a smile.

Phil grinned and handed her my letter, "Dan wrote Santa a letter."

"What?" She asked, sounding kind of confused as she looked towards Phil.   
"Aren't you a little-"

Phil nudged her with his elbow, "He's never written a letter before."

His moms face softened suddenly, "Never?"

I shrugged sheepishly, "Nope, never."

"Aw, well i'm sure Santa will bring you what you wanted," she told me with a smile as she took the letter from me. "I'll be sure to mail this for you tomorrow morning."

Phil nodded in agreement and dragged us back to the living room to finish the movie that had started playing a while back. I laid on the floor beside Phil as Phil's mom joined us in the living room.

I noticed that Phil's mom had opened up my letter as she sat on the couch behind us. She stared back at page, a puzzled expression on her face. She was probably wondering why I didn't ask for anything.

"Goodnight boys," she hummed as she stood up. Leaving us to ourselves.

We said our good nights to his mom and Phil rolled over onto his back to watch the TV upsidedown.

"Want to go play in the snow?" He asked as he rolled back over onto his stomach.

"Not really. It's warm in here," I told him softly, hoping I didn't hurt his feelings.

"Please!" He begged until I caved.

"Fine," I agreed with a small puff of air, a smile spread on my face.

Phil's face lit up and he quickly dragged us to the front door to put on our shoes. I smiled at his excitement as he opened the door. We had a good few feet of snow now, to Phil's delight.

Phil ran outside and looked around at all the snow. His blue eyes lighting up at the perfect scene. I followed him as I looked around at how the streets looked at night. The dim streetlights illuminated the snow just enough to make it sparkle.

"Come on!" Phil exclaimed and jogged down the sidewalk, stopping in the middle of our houses.

I felt my lips tighten, we shouldn't be going so close to my house. Especially when I hadn't been home the whole week.

I extended my arm and grabbed his coat as I joined him, "Phil I dont think that we should be-"

"Surprise snow angel!" He shouted and pulled me down into the snow with him.

I felt the air escape my lungs as our bodies hit the snow. I laughed as I realized we were fine; of course we were fine. Why wouldn't we be?

Phil turned to me with a smile. The cold nipping at his face, causing his cheeks to turn a rosy red. I stared back at him innocently, my eyes traveling down to his lips.

I watched as they quivered slightly against the bitter air. I moved my body over his slightly, my hand shoved into the snow beside him to balance myself. Causing him to chuckle nervously as my face hovered above his.

"Are you cold?" I asked quietly.

He nodded and stared up at me helplessly. I smiled and leaned in slowly, never had I wanted to kiss him as badly as I wanted to in this moment.

I smiled as my lips grazed his, "Phil?"

"Y-yes Dan?" Phil breathed, little puffs of steam escaping his lips as he spoke.

"I'm-" I started to speak before I felt myself move up into the air. I exhaled sharply as my coat pulled tight against my chest.

"Dan!" Phil shouted as he scrambled back to his feet.


	14. Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning because this chapter contains violence and homophobia. It gets better near the end !!

"Is this where you've been hiding? Right under our fucking noses?" Daryl spat as he threw me back onto Phil.

I crawled off of him quickly, "No I-"

"You know how what we do to gays around here, don't you?" He scoffed and shook his head mockingly.

Phil began to tremble beside me as Daryl walked closer to us, "w-what?" He stammered.

I stood up and moved myself in front of Phil, holding him behind me as I stood my ground. I wasn't going to let him hurt my best friend.

"We punish them," He slurred and let out a ragged laugh. "That's the fun part."

I took a breath and balled my hands into fists. "Go home Phil," I ordered, my voice shaky.

"I'm not leaving you, Dan. I promised," he quivered.

"Silly children," he mocked and grabbed my arm tightly. "Come."

I resisted him as much as I could. His fingers wrapped around my delicate wrist tightly. I tried not to burst into a puddle of tears. As long as Phil was here I was safe, right? 

"Go get your mom, Phil!" I shouted as he yanked me towards him.

Phil stood like a deer in the headlights, watching as Daryl pulled my coat from my body roughly.

"Phil!" I almost screamed, "Please!"

Daryl pulled me close to him, whispering in my ear as I begged Phil to snap out of his shell shock. 

"Don't move," he threatened as he threw me onto the sidewalk, my bare skin scraping against the concrete.

Phil suddenly snapped from his trance as Daryl grabbed his arm roughly.

"Run!" I shouted as I forced my body from the ground. 

I winced as Phil hit the ground beside me. Maybe if we didn't move, he would magically forget about us.

I wanted to lay down and cry, but I couldn't allow him to hurt Phil. Even though it was painful I stood my ground in front of Phil.

"Quit making this fucking difficult," Daryl snarled as he grabbed the collar of my shirt.

I bit my trembling lip and nodded submissively. He could hurt me all he liked, as long as he left Phil alone. I was the one who deserved the punishment.

"P-please don't hurt him," I begged as he pulled back his fist.

He groaned and pulled his fist back to meet my face. I cried out in pain as he finally let me free.

"You're pathetic," He scoffed before spitting at us. "Fucking faggots."

Phil and I rushed back inside in a panic, bumping into Martyn as we flew through the front door.

"What we're you lot doing out there?" He questioned, eyeing us up and down. "Are you okay?"

Phil explained what had happened as tears spilled from his icy blue eyes, panic filling his voice with every word.

Martyn, of course had to go and call the police. I knew that it was the best thing to do, but once I decided to go back home Daryl would definitely have something to say to me.

I excused myself to the bathroom as a the police arrived. Once inside I leaned back against the door, exhaling softly. I felt like a useless piece of garbage.

Was being gay really that bad? What was it about two people in love that made everybody go crazy?

My eyes began to flood as I tried to push the thought from my mind. What would Phil's family say if they found out? I should have known that this was a bad idea from the start.

How did I not see that he was gay from the beginning? Always wanting me to hold his hand and kissing me goodnight.

I felt the knot in my stomach grow as I realized the long list of problems that I had caused Phil. All because I couldn't bare to wake up without him in my arms. Why did I have to go and fall in love with a perfect stranger? I should have known I would ruin his life.

Voices echoed through hallway before a small knock arose on the door, causing me to snap out of my thoughts.

"Dan?" Phil called out delicately. "Are you okay?"

I wiped my eyes as Phil kept talking to me through the door. "Just breathe," he cooed as I began to hiccup.

The constant chatter of people began to die down as I caught my breath. Phil remained on the opposite side of the door until I creaked it open fifteen minutes later.

Phil quickly connected his body to mine. His arms wrapping around my waist as tears spilled from his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Phil murmured into my ear. "I told them you were okay."

I lost myself in Phil's arms as my mom rushed to our side.

"Dan, baby! Are you okay? He didn't hurt you again, did he? " She tripped over every word as Phil's mom stared in our direction. 

I gripped onto Phil's T-shirt tightly as my mom fed me a long string of apologies. All I wanted right now was to cuddle with Phil in a warm bed.

I ignored her qustions as Phil held me close, his head nuzzled into the crease of my neck.

My mom begged me to stay home with her that night, but I didn't feel safe with her anymore. Luckily, Phil's mom pitied me enough to allow me to stay over again.

It was one hell of a night but as he promised, Phil never left my side. Even sitting outside of the bathroom door while I took a much needed bath.

"Do you want to know what I got you for Christmas?" Phil asked as I laid my head down on his lap.

"That's for Christmas," I defended as he twisted my damp curls around his finger.

A soft smile came across his face, "I think you could use a pick me up."

My eyes moved down to our fingers that were intertwined tightly. I felt a slight wave of panic flood over me as our fingers loosened, allowing his hand to slip away from mine.

"Don't worry. I'll be right back, " He promised as he walked over to his closet.

I nodded and picked at my fingers nervously until he returned to my side. A neatly wrapped present sat in his hands.

He plopped it down on my lap carefully, "Open it."

"Its for Christmas. Isn't that some sort of crime against this Santa man you speak of?" I joked, receiving a playful nudge from Phil.

"Okay okay," I chuckled and began to rip the red striped wrapping paper, It felt wrong to destroy such piece of art.

I gasped as I stared down at the box in front of me, "A - A telescope?" 

Phil nodded with excitement, "Do you like it? We could try it out!"

"Phil, this is amazing. But can we just cuddle tonight instead?" I suggested as I moved the box down to the floor. "I really dont want to be outside."

"Of course," Phil smiled softly and laid back on the bed, pulling me down in his arms.


	15. Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long night of stargazing, Dan and Phil talk about their future together after highschool. This leads to Phil teasing Dan with kisses in places hes not used to being kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual Themes but no actual sex dont worry!

I laid awake with Phil on the roof, staring up at the stars that flooded the night sky. It was the calmest I had felt in a while. Maybe it was because it was the first time in a while I had watched the stars.

At one point I thought that I belonged up among the stars. But the universe is a pretty big place to be alone. The thought never bothered me before, but now that I've had a taste of what love is like. I don't think I could ever stand to be alone again.

I sighed as I felt my lack of sleep catch up with me. Its hard to believe that I used to wish that I could sleep forever.

My gaze moved to Phil, who was smiling back at me fondly. _My god,_ it was beautiful when that boy smiled.

If one day I had to choose between visiting the stars or having Phil in my life forever. I would choose Phil in a heartbeat.

He traced his fingertips along mine carefully, bringing heat to my frozen soul. I smiled as we stared into each others eyes; I was so lucky to have him in my life. Had he have left when I pushed him away, who knows where we would be.

I had finally found a reason to smile.

The sky grew grey as I got lost in the constellations in Phil's eyes. I had never felt this way before, like all the answers to the universe resided in his eyes.

"Dan, I- I have a question," Phil breathed, his voice soft as he drew little hearts onto the palm of my hand with his finger.

I nodded as he looked down at our hands, silence grew upon us as he continued drawing shapes on my hand.

"Do you love me?" He asked quietly, breaking the silence and drawing small hearts on my palm.

"Of course," I whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

He placed his hand flat over mine, entwining our fingers slowly. He sighed happily, a smile sitting pretty on his blushing face.

I rubbed circles into the back of his hand with my thumb as I licked my chapped lips. I couldn't help but look back up at the sky now as snow began to fall lightly. I smiled as I felt my eyes begin to water, I hadn't ever been loved before.

"Are you going to college?" He asked me, seemingly out of the blue.

I tilted my head to look at him. Confused at his question, I shrugged. I hadn't thought about going to college, mostly because I couldn't afford it.

"Would you come with me?" He asked hesitantly.

A smile crept onto my face, "in a heartbeat."

He grinned and pulled himself to his feet, "You would?"

"Ill go wherever you'll go," I replied with a smile as I pulled myself to my feet.

"Where are you going?" He asked suddenly growing quiet.

I shook my head before walking back towards the window, "Lets go in."

Phil followed me inside, closing the window behind us. Although we decided that we would start going to bed sooner than two in the morning, it was easy for the hours to slip away from us.

I crawled into bed and snuggled into the blankets warmth. It had been a long night, and I couldn't wait to lay beside Phil and get some sleep.

My eyes wandered over to Phil who was changing into his pyjamas. I felt myself staring as he slowly pulled his shirt off, exposing his bare back.

My cheeks began to flush red as he pulled it over his head with a small grunt. Suddenly he turned to me and let out a small gasp, "You weren't supposed to look!"

I pulled the blanket up to cover my face as I giggled. Suddenly I had the urge to peek at his beautiful back once more.

It couldn't hurt to take a quick look, right? In my attempt to quickly peek at him with his shirt off, I accidentally caught him with his pants off.

"Oops," I mumbled to myself and hid my face before I seen too much.

Phil furrowed his eyebrows playfully and walked over to the side of the bed. He pulled the covers from my face and shook his head.

"Shame, Howell. Shame," He smirked.

"You're still naked, idiot." I said before looking up into his blue eyes.

"I'm not naked!" He protested defensively. "I like to sleep like this."

I eyed him up as he stood in front of me in his white boxers. I felt _strang_ e. My stomach tinging as I faught the urge to kiss every inch of his beautiful body.

"I-is that okay?" He asked when I didn't respond.

I nodded and moved over, making space for him beside me. "Phil?" I mumbled as he curled up beside me.

He hummed and almost forced his tired eyes open to look at me.

I bit my lip and shook my head, hiding it in the bare skin of his neck, "Never mind."

He rose an eyebrow at me and wrapped an arm around me, "What's wrong, baby?"

"Nothing," I mumbled as I buried my head into his shoulder.

He smiled and pressed a small kiss onto my head, "Alright."

I wrapped an arm around his chest as I ran my fingers through his hair in attempt to calm myself down, only making the feelings stronger.

I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath as Phil began to kiss along my temple.

I gasped lightly as his warm lips moved down my neck. I propped myself up with my elbows and tilted my head to the side, allowing him full access. Usually I had a hatred of people touching my neck, but it felt so nice when he kissed me.

He smiled against my skin as he slowly continued kissing down my neck, making his way down to my collar bone.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" He whispered into my ear.

I quickly shook my head, prompting him to continue. A smirk grew on his face as moved from his spot.

"Here. This'll be easier," he breathed and moved to sit on me.

I nodded nervously as I felt my body begin to tremble. I wanted him to kiss me again.

_No. I_ _needed him to kiss me again._

He giggled and slowly straddled me. My heart began to pump faster as he pulled my body close to his before picking up where he left off.

I let out a small breath as he continued pressing gentle kisses down my neck, making his way to my shoulder.

He began tugging at my shirt as he kissed, forcing the fabric away from my shoulder as he kissed. A strange knot filled my stomach as he rested his body on mine. I quickly tangled my fingers in his hair as he kissed at my neck.

I squirmed around beneath him as he placed small love bites along my neck. If I knew how great this felt, I would have let him kiss me ages ago. He pulled away, lust in his hungry blue eyes.

"I love you," he breathed, his breath hitched.

"I love you too," I replied quickly before he moved to connect our lips once more.

Sure, we had kissed before. But not like this, this felt different. This felt sexual, but in a way that didn't scare the hell out of me.

He slowly pulled my shirt up, only breaking our kiss to pull it over my head. I didn't object, I was curious to see what he had planned.

Without missing a beat he moved his lips to my neck again. This time leaving small marks of love along my skin as he moved down to my chest.

Once he reached my belly button, he paused, looking back up at me with cheeks flushed red.

"Come here," I pleaded as my voice shook with every beat of my heart.

He chuckled to himself silently before moving up to my lips once more, "Was that okay?"

"Absolutely," I breathed with a small nod. "Please don't stop."

"I love you. More than anything in the entire world," He admitted as he moved his fingers to my hair, tugging on my curls gently.

"I love you too," I grinned as I felt myself melt against his touch.

Phil smiled as his eyes moved back down to my neck. He seemed to like that spot, i think its because thats what made me squirm the most.

I wrapped my arms around his back as he kissed along my jawline, our legs now entangled. I couldn't help but let out small moans as he pressed his warm body to mine.

If there was anything I learned that night, it was that Phil's kisses could heal any wound.


	16. Feburary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making new friends isn't always easy.

Christmas had come and gone before I had a chance to buy Phil something that he deserved.

It was a new year now and I wondered where the time had gone. It had already been almost four months since Phil and I met, and we were already as close as can be.

Phil was special in the way he made new years resolutions that he didn't really intend on keeping. While I just hoped for the beatings to stop when I went home.

The school year was going by so fast, it almost pained me. Soon enough Phil would be going to college or university. We had talked about it briefly before, but deep down I knew Phil deserved better than me. Why should he bring a broken boy to college with him? What would I even do other than sit around our apartment and mope?

"Daniel Howell?"

I looked up from the warm sanctuary my sweater sleeves provided. A new year meant a new semester. And a new semester meant new belittling teachers.

"I'm here," I mumbled groggily.

Last night I was awake the entire night as I had grown a custom to sleeping in the safety of Phil's arms. My mom said that I needed to stay home now that school was started again.

Phil's mom agreed that it might be good to stay with my family for a while. But she said that anytime I didn't feel safe, I could come over.

The thought of someone caring about me as if I was their own son was so bizarre. Especially since my own family barely cared for me as it was.

"Hey aren't you Phil's boyfriend? What could he ever see in someone like you?" Somebody asked from beside me, disgust filling their voice.

I sighed and laid back down on my desk. The last thing I wanted right now, was confrontation. Especially if it involved Phil.

After class I made my way to Phil's locker, where I waited for him to arrive. He showed up a few minutes late, apologizing for getting caught up in a conversation.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late! This is PJ! He sits beside me in chemistry," Phil beamed with a friendly smile.

I nodded and waved awkwardly. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, all I could hear was the pounding in my chest as I watched Phil glow with excitement.

"Aren't you that gay kid?" PJ asked, making me break from my trance almost instantly.

"There's nothing wrong with someone loving someone," Phil defended, eager to make this new friendship work.

PJ shrugged, "Don't you find it kinda weird though?"

"No," I spat, avoiding his question entirely.

Phil grabbed my hand and squeezed it against his lightly, causing a scoff from PJ.

"See? It's normal!" Phil desperately tried to make his point.

People began to stare at us as they passed. PJ now looked suspicious of Phil's need to prove that there was nothing wrong with being gay.

I yanked my hand away from his. I already had enough problems with people knowing I was gay. If people knew about Phil and I, they'd only give him a rough time too. He didn't deserve that.

Phil looked hurt but he smiled through the pain, "Normal."

"Uh, yeah sure. Anyways, I gotta head out. Lunch and all," PJ said through furrowed brows as he turned away from us.

I felt kind of bad as I watched the curly haired boy begin to walk away. Phil deserved other friends other than myself, but I already despised the new brown eyed boy.

"Okay, uhm- bye PJ! See you in class tomorrow!" Phil called to him as he speed walked away.

I turned to Phil and moved my hand to his, slowly intertwining our fingers once more.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

Phil let out a sigh as he watched the hall begin to clear out, "Me too."

"There's always next period?" I said shyly, trying to lighten the mood.

He shrugged and pulled his hand away from mine. I knew this was my fault, but I couldn't let him beat himself up about it.

"Are you coming over after school?" Phil asked, avoiding my attempt to comfort him.

I bit my lip and nodded, "I-if you want."

He turned to me suddenly, grabbing my arms and pulling me close to him. My breathing quickened as I began to panic. What if somebody saw us?

What would they think?

Stupid gay boy is with little perfect peach?

Phil smirked as he looked into my eyes. He seemed almost proud of himself, "Yes. I _really_ need to kiss you."

I felt my cheeks heat up as we stared at each other in silence. I wished he wouldn't sweet talk me at school, especially because I got flustered when he did.

"Shut up," I said playfully, pushing him away from me.

He laughed, causing his tongue to poke out of his mouth ever so slightly as he held his chest.

I chuckled and shook my head, "Well, aren't you proud of yourself."

He nodded and grabbed his book bag from the floor, putting it in his locker and grabbing out two brown paper bags.

"My mom made you something," He told me with a smile and handed me a bag.

I took it in my hands and smiled. His mom was too nice for this world, I guess thats how he got to be so perfect.

We sat against the wall as we ate our lunch. Crackers and cheese, ham, hard boiled eggs, and a tuna sandwhich.

I traded Phil my sandwhich for his crackers and cheese, since he didn't like cheese. Cheese was delicious and I never could understand how he didn't like it, but he was special that way.

I smiled as I watched him eat. He was so peaceful when he was shoving his face full of food, or maybe I was love blind.

 _Love_.

Love was still a weird word for me. Phil said it every night and every morning. Each time making me feel even more special.

It was getting to the point that saying it was a habit. If we parted ways, I always said I love you.

But I've come to learn that sometimes you don't have to say it out loud. I love you didn't always have to be words. Sometimes it was just the way someone looked at you when they thought you weren't paying attention.

It was a look only Phil and I knew.

A look that meant, 'I love you.'


	17. Lester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After not seeing his best friend at school, Dan decides to bring him some sick day comfort. Unfortunately this means accidentally hearing something he shouldn't have.

Any day that I didn't see Phil was a bad day. They didn't come often, but when they did it always seemed to bring my mood down. Come to think of it, it had been a few weeks since Phil and I had been apart for longer than a nights sleep.

This morning wasn't like every other morning. Because it was one I spent without Phil.

I assumed that he was sick or something. I knew he was fine, but I felt an overwhelming urge to check on him.

I decided to wait at his locker at the end of the day to see if he would magically show up, but he didn't. This meant that I missed my only ride home.

I sighed at the thought of walking home. It never used to bother me so much as I used to do it all the time. But that was before I met Phil.

I definitely had grown way too used to Phil sitting beside me on the bus. The warmth he provided eased my soul, and helped keep me at peace.

He had probably just gotten sick and stayed home. But I couldn't help but worry about my little plant loving dork

I began to think as I walked. Allowing my mind to swell as the now melting snow slushed beneath my feet.

It was a long walk home from the highschool, but I knew it would be worth it once I saw Phil. A smile grew on my face as I thought of ways to help him feel better. I knew that I'd be tired once I got back, so cuddling was definitely an option. If he wasn't throwing up or anything like that,of course.

It was lonely without Phil at school. I had grown so desperate to see him that I even stopped his weird friend PJ in the hallway.

PJ was strange. But I'm pretty sure Phil liked him for his creative efforts. It was an awkward encounter that resulted in PJ telling me that Phil was too good for me.

He made me want to punch him in the throat for whatever reason. I guess I didnt buy his fake charade that everybody else had or maybe it was just jealously.

Clouds began to form overhead, taking the warm sunlight away. I knew what was coming next and I didn't like it.

A little drop of rain fell from the sky, bouncing off of my nose and running down my face.

I clenched my fists as I heaved my bag onto my shoulders and began to jog. I didn't want to end up getting to Phil's soaking wet.

Jogging didn't last long before I had to stop and heave. I clutched my chest as I felt my heart skip a beat. I took a few deep breaths and choked a bit before I began to walk again.

The temperature began to drop as I walked, causing a thin layer of fog to roll in. Before I knew it thunder began to rumble the ground, causing the sky to light up before my eyes.

The rain began to fall harder, turning into little pellets that pierced my skin. I sighed and pulled the hood on my sweater up in attempt to keep my hair somewhat dry, at least.

My walking turned into a steady jog as the rain began to soak me, causing water to seep through my shoes. It was stupid of me to wear shoes instead of boots, again.

It was late February now, meaning that the snow would all turn to slush pretty soon. But it also meant that the stars would come back regularly once spring came, so it was all worth it.

I felt a cough building up in my chest as I began to run. I held it as long as I could before I couldn't anymore.

The rain began to slow as I reached Phil's driveway, where no car sat. I assumed that Mrs. Lester was probably at work or something.

A thought occurred to me as I sluggishly made my way up their driveway. Phils dad, Mr. Lester, wasn't really around that often. Which seemed quite peculiar to me. Even on Christmas I hadn't seen him once, where the hell could he be?

I let out a few more dry coughs before I swung my tired arm to the door. I almost knocked when I heard voices from behind, forcing me to freeze in place.

It wasn't hard to tell that Phil's mom was talking to someone on the other end, but I couldnt tell who. Hesitantly I brought an ear to the door, listening as they spoke.

"I don't know, Phil just isn't the same when he's around Dan. He just brings out this beautiful side of him. One I've never seen." 

I couldn't quite make out who she was talking to, but I could only assume it was his brother, Martyn.

"You think Phil's gay?" Martyn asked.

I heard a muffled chuckle, "Well he is what he is. But for his sake, I hope Dan isn't involved."

Baffled, I furrowed my eyebrows as I continued to listen. Was I not good enough?

"Why?" Martyn asked, curiously.

"I feel like he's a nice enough boy but, Phil is such a gentle soul. I worry about him getting pulled into the wrong crowd."

She paused before continuing, "What if Dan is the wrong crowd? Everyone that I've spoke to says Dan's a nobody. His mom is a druggie and he's been abused his whole life. Just look at what happened to him at christmas, I can't have that happen to my baby."

It was silent for a moment before Martyn spoke again, "What are you saying?"

"I think he needs some new friends. Maybe hell grow out of this phase he's got going on with Dan. Like that PJ boy. I've heard nice things about him," I heard the voice grow closer as she spoke.

I froze, holding my breath as I waited for Martyn to speak. They wanted rid of me?

"Don't you think he'd be hurt by that?" He asked.

"He'll get over it, break ups happen. I just don't want my baby around anything dangerous. The poor boy can't even walk down the street without people whispering about him. Just the other day Sarah from my cooking group warned my about him having aids. People talk Martyn."

I backed away from the door, letting my breath out and shaking my head. They believed all that? People talked about Phil and I? 

I knew I shouldn't have trusted them. I have never trusted anybody so much in my entire life as much as I have trusted that damned boy with the blue eyes and his family. I shouldn't have let him in.

My mom called for me from the living room, her voice hoarse as I slammed the front door.

I sighed and dragged my dripping wet body to the living room. Where only my mom sat, "Hi baby, did you miss your bus?"

I nodded, not really in the mood to talk. Especially with her.

"Well go get change. It's just us now so you dont have to worry about a thing. I got so caught up and scared in the abuse that I was pulling you down with me. I'm really sorry," my mom explained, her head hung low.

I forced a small smile onto my face. I hated my mom, but unfortunately she was all I had. 

"It's okay mom. It's always been just us," I replied softly.

"What about that Phil boy, is he nice to you?" She asked, curiosity in her voice.

I bit my lip. The name stung after hearing his mom talk about me like I was garbage.

I nodded and turned to leave, "Yeah mom, he's great."

She smiled, "Go change and I'll make you some hot cocoa, alright?"

"Alright mom," I said before dragging myself to my bedroom.

Once I was changed I wrapped myself up in a blanket. Hot cocoa sounded great about now.

"Dan?" A muffled voice arose from behind my window.

I sighed and threw my blanket on the bed before making my way over to open the window.

"What?" I snapped inadvertently

Phil frowned, "Can I come in?"

"Why? So you can continue to take advantage of me?" I barked, not really meaning to take my anger out on him.

He looked hurt, "What? Dan, I- I didnt feel good today. I'm sorry I wasn't in class. I missed you."

I sighed heavily as I moved out of his way, "I'm sorry."

He pulled himself in and shut the window behind him. Little droplets of water coated Phil's black hair as the rain had turned into a small drizzle now.

"Is something wrong?" He asked me before wiping some water from his face.

I shrugged and sat on the edge of my bed, "I heard your mom talking."

He looked confused, "About what?"

"She doesn't want us hanging around each other anymore. Because they think I have aids," I explained, my eyes drifting down to the floor.

Phil sighed heavily, "Yeah. My dad was talking to me today and he said I shouldn't be around you anymore."

I sighed and stood up, anxiety filling my mind, "I don't know if I can be without you."

Phil frowned as he looked up at me, "I'm not leaving you Dan. I know nothings wrong with you."

"We're going to hide it?" I asked as I turned to face him. "You think we could do that?"

He nodded, "Yes of course. I couldn't leave my little bear."


	18. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After learning that Phil has gotten hurt, Dan begs Phils family to let him see his best friend. This leads to a lot of crying outside in the rain.

Before Phil left we had agreed to meet each other later on when his family was asleep. He had only just left and I already longed for the taste of his lips.

We couldn't possibly hide this from both of our families, forever. Especially if we we're sneaking through each others windows every night.

I sighed deeply and slid down my bedroom door. The only thing in between myself the boy I loved so much, was the fact that we were the same gender. I felt tears begin to form in my brown eyes as I clenched my fists.

"Dan? Honey?" My mom called from downstairs.

"What?" I called back, my voice strained.

"There's somebody here to see you," she called back, sounding confused.

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve quickly, a small grunt escaping my lips as I pulled myself to my feet. Who the hell could be here to see me?

"Hurry up," my mom called sounding slightly more panicked than I remembered.

"I'm coming!" I yelled back as I made my way downstairs.

"Dan," A weak voice arose from the doorway as I came into sight.

I paused when I saw Martyn, Phil's brother standing in the doorway. Not really somebody I was expecting to see. Especially after what they had just said about me.

I watched as Martyn began to ramble, "Phil he- he fell and he wont tell us anything unless-"

"He fell?" I interrupted him.

He nodded, "He only wants you."

My eyes flickered to my mom then back to Martyn quickly. I wondered if any of them would stop me if I rushed past them. But you never know until you try.

Boots weren't my first thing on my mind as I rushed past the both of them. My socks slushing against the wet pavement as I rushed to find Phil.

Martyn frantically called after me but I wasn't interested in what he had to say. All I knew was that Phil needed me and I wasn't going to disappoint him just because his family thought I was a bad influence.

With Martyn close at my heels I made it to the front door, quickly pulling it open.

This time somebody different greeted me in the doorway. A man who I assumed was Phil's dad towered over me, glaring down at me as if I was a pile of garbage.

"Where's Phil? Is he okay? I need to see him," I asked as I caught my breath.

"You. This is _your_ fault," he spat as he blocked the doorway.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I looked up at him in confusion. Who was he to tell me this was my fault when he hadn't even met me before.

"W-what?" I stammered.

"You ruined his life. He was supposed to have that football scholarship but he was too busy running around with you," his dad growled.

Suddenly I felt my heart sink. I had never met Phil's dad, and I was guessing this was why he kept him from me.

"I-I'm sorry sir. He's my best friend, please," I begged and tried to look past him. "I didn't mean him any harm."

"He's fine. And he'll be even better if you never show your face around here again," His dad barked before slamming the door in my face.

I cursed to myself as Martyn jogged up beside me. He looked me up and down quickly, "He didn't hurt you did he?"

"No?" I replied in confusion. Was it known of Phil's dad to hurt people?

He nodded before pulling me to the side, "What was Phil doing on the roof?"

Suddenly I felt all the blood drain from my face. I knew exactly what had happened now, this _was_ my fault.

I took a deep breath before I attempted to explain to Martyn what happened, "I-its how we visit each other."

He stared at me for a second as the rain continued to fall. He sighed and shook his head in disapproval, "Why not use the door?"

I stuttered as I felt it hard to find the right words to say, "I dont know its just-"

Martyn rose his voice as he cut me off, "Damnit, Dan. Use the damn door!"

I stood in silence as Martyn turned away from me, his head in his hands. Somehow I knew that I had lost any shot I had at a second chance with them now.

To be honest at this point I didn't even trust myself either.

"Don't come here anymore. And dont expect to see Phil at school tomorrow either," he said, his voice low and uneven.

I watched Martyn as he began to walk away. How could they just cut me off after all we had; without even telling me if he was okay.

"Can you at least tell me if he's okay?" I begged as I blinked back tears. "Please. He's my best friend."

He stopped and turned around, letting out a prolonged sigh before looking back at me, "He'll be okay, I think hes just a bit bruised up. But you shouldn't talk to him anymore."

I watched as he walked back into the house slowly. The rain soaking the both of us to our core. He sounded disappointed in me somehow, like he expected better of me.

My eyes begin to swell as I remained standing outside long after Martyn had gone. Emptily staring at Phil's house as I stood out in the rain. The rain was cold, but I was numb.

Nothing mattered to me anymore now that Phil was gone. He was the only thing I had left to work for. Without Phil there was nothing for me to look forward to but empty rooms that only told of the times we had together.

As ridiculous as it sounded, I was dead inside. My body nothing but a rotting corpse with the only one antidote being Phil.

I dropped to my knees and held my head in my heads. My knees sunk in the muddy ground as I struggled to breathe. My entire body shaking with pain as I finally let it all out. Dry heaving the only thing keeping me breathing.

The rain had slowed and the setting sun poked out from behind the clouds as my cries finally slowed to a stop. I had lost track of the time, but that happens when you're depressed.

I took a few deep breaths as I looked around at everything around me. Squirrels scurried up trees, cars still drove by, people walked down the streets happily as the cold winter came to an end. Life went on without me. Whether I wanted it to or not.

The universe didn't care if I was hurting, nobody did.

So why did I care so much?

"Dan?" A familiar voice hummed from the sidewalk.

_Oh right, that's why._


	19. Will you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil takes care of Dan after fleeing from his family temporarily. The idea of running away is brought up.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Phil asked, his voice filled with worry as he stood looking down at me.

I wiped my eyes as I forced myself up. What _was_ I doing? Crying in the mud over never seeing you again?

"Are you okay?" I couldn't help but ask as I stood up, suddenly feeling colder than I had felt earlier.

"I'm fine baby, luckily I fell into some leftover snow. C'mon we'll get you inside and clean you up," Phil said calmly and put a hand on my arm.

I pulled it away, "Why are you here?"

He sighed softly with a shrug, "Because I love you."

"Okay," I said flatly, too tired to really react.

"Let's get you inside," Phil repeated as he took my arm again. "Before my family catches us."

I nodded and fell limp against his warm hands as he helped me back into my house. My mom greeted us in the kitchen, where she was stirring some soup.

"What happened?" She asked, shock in her eyes.

Phil forced a fake smile. I dont think even he knew what really happened.

"I slipped," I told her and allowed Phil to guide me up the stairs.

"Well wash up," my mom shrugged us off and continued with her cooking.

Phil helped me up to the bathroom and sat me down on the side of the bathtub. Holding me by my shoulders he looked me in the eyes, "Are you okay to shower?"

"I-I think so," I told him weakly.

He smiled and kissed my wet forehead, "Good. I'll be waiting in your room. Call if you need me. I promise I won't be alarmed."

"Thank you," I breathed, completely exhausted from this whole day.

Once Phil had gone, I was alone once more. I started up the shower and sat on the edge of the toilet for a moment, just watching the water flow.

I've had just about enough of water today. Walking all the way back from school and crying for hours in the rain, probably wasn't the healthiest idea.

I pulled off my wet and muddy clothes and put them in the hamper beside the toilet. All I wanted now was to lay in bed with Phil and cuddle. I didn't want school, I didn't want food, I just wanted _Phil._

The warm water bounced off of my cold body as I stepped into the shower. It felt nice to be warm again. After washing myself and my hair, I sat in the shower for a few minutes just thinking about Phil and how much I loved him.

I had come to realize that no family was perfect. Phil's family may have seemed perfect on the outside, but everyone's family did. Its not until you venture deep inside that you realize all its flaws.

I sighed and turned the water off. I pulled myself out of the tub and grabbed a towel from the side. After I was dried off I slipped on a robe and walked back to my room, where Phil was sitting cross legged on the bed waiting for me.

"Do you feel better now?" He asked, looking up at me as I entered the room.

I nodded and sat down beside him slowly, my hair dripping down onto the blankets.

"I'm sorry I did this to you," Phil breathed.

I looked up at him instantly putting a hand on his knee. I thought for a moment about what I would say. None of this was his fault, "Did what? You saved me, Phil."

He bit at his lip for a few seconds, a puzzled look on his face. I began talking again before he could answer, "I'm sorry you fell off the roof."

Phil shook his head, a soft smile on his face. He put his hands up to my cheeks and pulled me closer to him.

"Don't apologize because I'm stupid," he chuckled and pressed his forehead to mine.

I melted into him, sliding my body onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his waist and moving my head into his neck. I had never felt so relieved in my entire life.

"I'm here now. It's okay," Phil cooed and played with my damp hair.

I nodded and squeezed him tightly. I never wanted to leave his side ever again. But that wasn't possible, especially since his family despised me now.

There was one thing I wanted to tell him, that I had come to realize over the past few hours, "Phil?"

"Yes Dan?" Phil hummed.

I cleared my throat as I held him in my arms, "I want to grow old with you."

Phil chuckled and pressed his soft lips onto mine, working them in harmony with mine as I pulled him closer.

He pulled away, keeping our eye contact as a smile grew on his face, "I've been waiting all day to do that."

I blushed and looked away from him, "whatever."

He kissed me once more, slowly this time. It seemed to have lasted a lot longer than the first one, but it almost felt sadder as well.

"I'm not allowed to see you anymore Dan," Phil mumbled against my skin.

"I know," I sighed at the reminder.

Phil pulled away, holding me steady as he looked into my eyes. "If you had the chance, would you run away with me?"

"Yes," I answered without a second thought.

He smiled and pulled me into another kiss, "Run away with me."

I smiled back as he pulled the both of us down onto the bed and began placing soft kisses along my neck. I flinched as his soft gestures of love began to tickle me.

"I'll do it. Just stop kissing me," I begged with a soft giggle.

"Never," he replied before kissing my lips once more.


	20. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil sneaks into Dans bedroom after lying to his mom about going to Pj's for the weekend. Dan is happy to not be alone while his mom is away. Phil tries to hide the fact that hes a hormonal teenager which leads them into their first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual themes but no actual sex is written!!!

"Are you sure this is okay?" I asked Phil as I watched him unpack his bag.

"Sure. It's only for the weekend, right?" He asked innocently before grabbing a pair of black boxers from his bag.

I shrugged and laid back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling as Phil began to remove his clothes. I chuckled as he continued the conversation as if nothing were different.

"I just hope that my mom believes my PJ lie. It would be so bad if she called him or something," he chuckled and pulled on the fresh underwear. "You can look now."

I sat up on my elbows, eyeing him up as he put away his dirty clothes. I wished that I was as confident as he was around me. For a cocky bastard like myself, I was really insecure.

Go figure, right?

Phil turned to face me as he finished. His cheeks turned bright red once he realized I had been staring at him.

"Dan!" He cried in embarrassment as he covered his smiling face.

I giggled at his shyness and sat up, reaching my hands out towards him with a pout, "Sorry baby."

He rolled his eyes before quickly retreating to the bed and pulling the covers over his legs, "You aren't sorry."

"You'll never know," I teased and laid my head down onto his lap, a content sigh escaping my lips.

He smiled down at me and began playing with my hair; twisting my loose curls around his fingers.

"I'll arrest you," he said playfully, his voice softer now.

I smiled back up at him happily. We had the place to ourselves this weekend, as my mom had another stupid date to go on uptown. I made sure to tell her I wanted nothing to do with it. Which ended up in a big fight, that ended with her leaving me alone for the weekend.

Phil looked away from me and shuffled around awkwardly beneath me. I stared up at him in confusion as he tried to get comfortable, "Bloody hell, sit still."

He pouted and gently moved my head off of him. I looked at him as if I had just been insulted. "More cuddles?" I begged.

"Uhm, no. N-not right yet," he stuttered and pulled more blanket over himself.

"Why?" I asked before suddenly realizing the reason behind his awkwardness.

Phil blushed and shook his head, "Erm.. It's your punishment for staring at me."

I rolled my eyes and scooted close to him, pushing some blanket aside and sitting myself on his lap. Two could play at this game.

"Lying isn't very nice," I taunted and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Phil bit his lip in frustration, as he quickly searched his mind for another excuse. 

I stared at him as I waited for him to come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't move the blanket between us. He sighed and pushed his face into my neck, admitting defeat.

"I won," I cheered and threw my hands in the air, bouncing myself around in celebration.

Phil smirked and wrapped his arms around me, pushing me down onto the bed. His now exposed body sitting comfortably on top of mine, as he leaned down to whisper in my ear, "I win."

His voice sent shivers down my spine, I swallowed hard as I stared up at him wide eyed, "W-what?"

He giggled and rubbed his nose against mine gently, "I'm only joking."

I rolled my eyes and pushed my slightly chapped lips to his smooth ones, causing a muffled moan from Phil.

"You're ridiculous," I whispered in between kisses.

Phil pulled away, his breathing heavy as he hovered his body over mine. I stared back up at him as he licked his lips.

"I love you," he whispered before leaning back down into my neck.

"I love you too," I moaned submissively, my breath hitched as he sucked the delicate skin along my neck.

I blindly guided my hands up to his hair, grabbing bunches of it in my fists. Causing him to pause and back up a bit, I kept my hands in his hair as he looked back down into my sparkling brown eyes.

"I like it when you do that," Phil admitted as he caught his breath.

I grinned as I pulled him back down to me, "I'll keep that in mind."

He smiled into our kiss as I tugged at his hair lightly, I didn't want to hurt him. We continued to kiss as the light in my room began to dim, dousing us in darkness.

I moved my hands down from his hair, exploring his body as we kissed. I lightly ran my fingertips along his bare back causing him to wiggle at my command. I stopped at his hips, causing him to pull away.

I pouted as he moved to sit on his butt. I quickly followed him, pouncing onto him desperately, my legs wrapping around his waist as my lips crashed with his.

He pulled away completely out of breath as he stared back into my eyes. I smiled at him as he pulled my shirt over my head. "Phil, is this?"

"I-is it what?" He asked nervousy as he froze in his spot.

I blushed at the thought, "is this going to go somewhere?"

He smiled as he held me steadily on his lap. "I-If you want," he replied sounding slightly flustered.

"I trust you," I breathed and pressed a kiss to his lips once more.

He ran his fingers through my hair as we kissed, tying my stomach into knots. I ran my hands up and down his bare back, feeling the soft skin beneath my fingertips. 

He pulled away before whispering in my ear, "I'll go slow, baby."

I nodded as he laid me down beside him. I looked up at him as the blanket fell from his lap. I had almost forgot that he was in just his boxers. I felt my eyes wonder his body, admiring every little freckle that formed constellations on his skin.

He leaned down into me, his jet black hair pushed back with sweat. I squirmed around nervously as he began placing a line of delicate kisses along my stomach.

He giggled as he began to pull my pajama pants down slowly, "You have very pretty blue underwear."

I hid my face with my hands, peeking through my fingers as he continued kissing down my body. I bit my lip, small whimpers escaping as he kissed down my thigh gently.

"I love you," I whined as I watched him work contently.

He looked back up at me, love and lust in his eyes, "I love you too, baby"


	21. Please, Dan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tries to convince Dan that running away would solve all their problems.

I lay close to Phil, like stars in the night sky. Our chests rising and falling as we try and catch our breath. Phil smiled over at me, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I love you," I say softly as I looked into his eyes. I must sound like a broken record at this point.

"I know," he says playfully, a smile toying at his lips.

I smiled back at him, rolling my eyes playfully. He was right though, we both knew how we felt. I just liked hearing those three words leave his soft lips.

We cleaned up and decided to head downstairs to get some food. This sort of stuff made me hungry, how could it not? 

"What should we make?" I asked Phil as we trotted down the stairs.

Phil was quick to jump in. He already knew what he wanted to eat, and that was pancakes. Only Phil would want pancakes for supper.

I laughed at him, "Sure that sounds great."

"Wait," Phil hummed as he put his arm out in front of me, quickly stopping me from entering the kitchen.

"What?" I whispered cautiously.

He smirked playfully, "Can the pancakes have chocolate chips?"

I rolled my eyes as my shoulders fell, "Phil! I thought something was wrong."

He laughed loudly, poking his tongue out of his mouth as he held his stomach. I continued on my way into the kitchen leaving my boyfriend to wheeze in the doorway.

\-- 

"Phil," I hummed as I finished off my pancakes. "Where do you see us going?"

"Probably to cuddle," he replied with a soft frown.

I felt bad for bringing this up again. But I wanted to be clear on where this relationship was going. I was just feeling a little insecure about having shared such an intimate moment with someone who could very well leave me in the fall.

"Phil," I whined and poked his arm lightly.

He sighed and let his shoulders fall, "I'm not sure, Dan. I'm not even allowed to be here, if they find out where I've been then-"

I sighed as I pulled myself up from the kitchen chair, "We can't hide this forever."

Phil quickly stood, meeting my eye contact, "Things will be better once school is done."

"Will it Phil? Will you going away to college alone be better for you?" I snapped unintentionally.

He frowned at my attitude. I didn't mean to upset him, but I also didn't want him to hype me up about summer and then inevitably leave me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," I apologized softly.

He shrugged, "No you're right. It's clear to me that you don't want to come with me."

I shook my head in shock, "I never said-"

"Then quit complaining about me leaving you behind. You're coming with me," Phil demanded, raising his voice slightly.

I sighed with a content nod, "Okay. So what's the plan?"

"Plan?" He breathed as he ran his fingers through his tosseled hair.

I nodded as I grabbed our dishes and walked towards the sink. Of course there had to be a plan? School was done in just 5 months and we hadn't even applied to any schools yet.

I placed the dishes in the sink and turned on my heals to face him, "Yeah we gotta have a plan. What school did you want to go to? Where are we going to live and work? What about your-"

"Slow down baby," Phil urged with a small smile toying at his lips. "It doesn't matter where we go, as long as we're together."

I scoffed and crossed my arms, "You know that cheesy stuff is cute, but be realistic."

Phil let out a small puff of air as he ran his fingers through his hair, "Let's run away."

I smiled and shook my head, "We've talked about this. If you want to graduate and actually be able to live later on we can't just run away."

"Dan c'mon, you know you want to. What future do we have here?" He argued and prodded my shoulder with his finger.

"What about your family?" I asked as I walked back towards the stairs, Phil following like a lost puppy.

"You actually have a chance for a good life. Don't throw that away on someone like me," I sighed and made my way back into my room.

I didn't deserve Phil. He deserved a better life than running around with me. I couldn't keep him from a chance at something good. Everybody already hated me and could care less if I lived or died.

"That's what I want to do Dan. We can finish school and then run away together, or we can run away and find a different school," Phil tried to persuade me. "Please Dan, I can't do it without you."

I turned to look at him, his black hair pushed back into a soft quiff, making him look a few years older than he was. I couldn't take my eyes off him as I began to think of a way to make this whole thing work.

Phil smiled, licking his lips as he followed me onto my bed. I couldn't pry my eyes off of him as he slowly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

"Run away with me, Dan." He whispered into my ear.

I felt butterflies grow in my stomach as I looked up into his eyes, "Who's to say you won't leave me out there alone?"

He chuckled and pressed a soft kiss to my lips, "I haven't left yet, have I?"

I shrugged, moving my eyes down his arms to his hands that were sitting comfortably on my waist.

Phil pushed me against the wall gently, "Run away with me."

"Let me think about it. Alright?" I sighed and laid back on the bed.

He huffed at his failed attempt but left the subject alone after that. Suddenly my mind began to go in about ten different directions, making me yearn for the night sky.

"Phil," I hummed as he laid beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Yes?" He replied smoothly.

I looked beside me at his perfect complexion. I was stupid for trying to push him away, in attempt to see if he was really faithful.

"Let's run away together," I caved with a smile.

"As you wish," Phil chuckled softly.


	22. Lets Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is embarrassed after learning that Phils been telling Pj about their sex life.

A few days had passed since Phil had persuaded me into running away. Of course I knew that was the wrong thing to do, but it was _Phil._

The only type of love I had ever felt in my life was with my grandparents, and now they were both gone. So who am I to just give up the only chance I had at a love?

I heaved my bag up onto my shoulder as I walked up to the school. I kicked a rock along the sidewalk as rain began to drizzle down from the dark clouds above. The rain didn't bother me all that much, but the thought of school did. Phil and I had agreed that we wouldn't talk to each other much at school, just incase.

How could I come to this shithole and not even talk to my best friend?

I pushed the front door open as I walked inside, wiping my feet off quickly before heading to my locker. I kept my eyes on my feet as I walked, not wanting to deal with the outside world today.

"Hey loser," a familiar voice called from across the hall.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. There was no way I was going to put up with this shit today. I looked up to see PJ, who had a devilish smirk on his face. I gripped my backpack strap with my hand tightly as I looked him up and down.

"Enjoy your little one on one with Phil the other day?" He asked, teasingly.

Suddenly my heart sunk. Had Phil told him? How did he know we were together?

"What?" I asked, taken aback. "What do you mean?"

He rose his eyebrows, "Don't act so surprised. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Suddenly my cheeks flushed a deep red, "Humor me, Ligouri."

He crossed his arms and shook his head, "Listen. I'm not gonna say anything because Phil is my friend, but I can't believe that you'd even risk that."

"What?" I asked furrowing my eyebrows.

"You really wanna ruin his reputation for some stupid sex?" He replied, cringing at the thought.

I scoffed and walked away, baffled. How could Phil betray my trust like that? I couldn't believe he would tell somebody about us. We weren't even supposed to be hanging out together, and now there was a possibly that the whole school knew about something that was supposed to be ours and only ours.

"Think about it!" Pj yelled to me as I walked down the hallway.

The entire morning I was entirely thrown off. Unable to focus on my work, I tapped my pencil against my forehead.

"Hey Howell," someone behind me whispered and tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned in my chair to face them, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What?"

"You're gay, right?" He asked, his eyes shifting from his paper to me. "My uncles gay."

"Good for him," I snapped quietly and turned back around.

He tapped me on the shoulder again, "I can get you his number if you want. Since you're into the whole older guy thing."

"Would you shut up?" I said through clenched teeth.

"Dan! Eyes on the board. Or you can save your little chit-chat for the principals office," My teacher snapped and tilted her head.

"Sorry," I groaned as I turned my head back to the front.

After class I found myself wandering down the hall; a rock in a sea of moving people. I knew that Phil would be waiting for me at my locker, but I didn't know if I even wanted to see him.

I sighed and pulled my books tighter to my chest as I walked. I realized that every now and then I would get a few stares and whispers from passersby. I guess they all knew too.

"Hey!" Phil beamed as I joined him at my locker.

My eyes slowly panned up from the ground, avoiding Phil's precious ocean eyes as much as I could. I nodded and forced a smile onto my face as I moved past him to open my locker. I let out a small sigh of relief once I couldn't see him anymore.

I tossed my binder and my books onto the shelf in my locker before shutting and locking it. Phil began standing over my shoulder, making me feel a bit anxious.

"Ready to go?" he asked happily.

I sighed and shrugged at the thought, "Can we talk first? Alone?"

Phil moved his shoulders up and down quickly, "Yeah sure."

I looked around at the busy crowd of people. It was almost impossible to find somewhere where nobody could hear us. I pursed my lips as I looked around for a solution. Suddenly I felt Phil tug at my sleeve, "Come on I know a place."

"What?" I spat as he pulled me down the hall.

We weaved around people as we made our way to Phil's spot. I stood in confusion as Phil smiled proudly at his little discovery.

"You've got to be kidding," I scoffed as he led us around the back of the stairs.

"Nobody ever uses these, and it's a nice place to sit and just think. Even if it is a bit grimy," He told me with a smile as he wedged himself under the bar.

I shook my head as I followed him under the stairwell. He sat crossed legged on the floor and patted the spot beside him.

I shrugged and sat beside him without question, "I'm not even going to ask how you found out this was here."

Phil giggled and turned back to me, his lunch box in his lap now, "What did you wanna talk about?"

I cleared my throat as Phil pulled a cookie to his lips. This was our make or break moment. I either break his heart or he fixes mine. Suddenly I felt a little sweaty about confronting my only friend about our sex life.

"Well I uh- I talked to PJ today," I mumbled quietly.

He looked up at me from his cookie, "Y-You did?"

I nodded and looked down at my feet. I closed my eyes tightly as I spoke, "You told him?"

He moved a hand to my leg, squeezing it lightly, "Told him what?"

"Oh don't act so innocent. I know you told him we had sex," I argued back with a frown.

His shoulders dropped and he shook his head at himself, "I never told him that. He was making fun of me for hanging out with you, and he asked if you uh- made me do it."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "So he guessed and you agreed?"

Phil looked into my eyes and shook his head, "No. I told him that we were just friends and that even if I was having sex that it would be consentual."

"Right," I breathed and leaned back against the wall.

Phil smiled softly and wrapped an arm around my waist, "Don't worry about it too much. I'm sure there's at least a handful of other gays in this school. We can't be the only two."

"The other ones don't get asked if they have aids," I sighed and cupped my face with my hands.

Phil pressed a small kiss to my forehead, "Do you agree that we should run away now?"

"What? Like right now?" I asked looking at him through my fingers.

He shrugged, "Sure. Whynot?"

"Uh because I have no clothes, no food and no money," I replied quickly.

He laughed, "I have my savings for college. That would get us by for a while."

My eyes widened, "You can't waste that on me."

"I've already aced all my classes so far so I don't have to take any exams. So I can do what I want," he beamed, only making me want to throw him back and kiss him.

"On one condition," I hummed.

He looked at me, his eyes smiling in ways I could never resist, "What?"

"Kiss me like you want to spend the rest of your life with me," I stated and crossed my arms.

He tilted his head at my proposition, "That easy, huh?"

"Do it or I'm going back to class," I teased as a giggle escaped my lips.

Phil bit his lip as he smiled widely, "You are ridiculous, Howell."

I held back my squeals as he grabbed my cheeks with his hands, pulling me towards him slowly. I felt my heart quicken as his lips inched closer to mine.

"I knew it was you, ever since the first time I laid eyes on you. If one kiss is all it takes to be with you forever, I'll kiss you until dawn." He whispered slowly, staring back into my eyes.

I rolled my eyes at his attempt at being poetic, "Would you just kiss me?"

He nodded and moved his hands to the sides of my face before crashing his lips to mine. I kissed him back like the world was ending as I slid my hands up into his hair.

Phil moved onto my lap without breaking our kiss. God, he was a delight.

He pulled away and smiled, "That do the trick?"

I nodded as I caught my breath, "Yes."

"Good," he said as he stood up. "Let's go."

I looked at him my jaw gaping open as he held out his hand. "We're leaving," he explained. "Forever."

"Okay," I hummed as he pulled me to my feet.


	23. Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After toying with the idea of running away, they finally make it a reality.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I asked as Phil zipped up his backpack.

He turned and smiled back at me as I sat on my bed. On the outside he didn't seem to have a care in the world. But I could see through his charade.

"We can walk around together and not have to worry about who sees. We can sleep under the stars laying in each other's arms. What's not to love?" He replied with a smile.

"Where are we going to stay?" I asked as I held back a smile.

"I have a plan, don't worry. We can stay where ever your little heart desires," He giggled and tapped a finger against my nose.

I smiled, blush filling my cheeks as I looked down at my feet. Phil and I had skipped class and walked back to my house. Which was a huge step for Phil, as his whole life he had lived as a goody two shoes. The both of us had gone to sleep for a while after we got back, to ensure that it would be dark enough when we left.

It didn't feel real at all. The thought of running away was so familiar with me, but doing it with another person??

It hadn't really sunk in with me that it was actually going to happen. Phil and I were actually going to run away together. I was finally going to escape all of the bullshit I put up with daily. No more PJ, no more bullies, no more lonely nights, no more homophobia. From this day forward it was just me and Phil.

"My dad is going to be mad at me if he finds us. And I'm sure he'll be looking," Phil sighed as he crawled onto the bed beside me.

I frowned as I snuggled into his shoulder, "Want to head out soon then? Or should we wait?"

"Let's go, baby. I don't want them to look here," He replied and kissed my forehead. "We can get a motel or something."

"Promise when I wake up you'll still be by my side?" I pouted as I sat up.

Phil smiled and gently ran his fingers along my cheek, "I promise."

I smiled and snaked myself out of bed, Phil following close behind me. I tossed him his shirt and threw on a sweater.

"You know Dan, I wouldn't mind at all to settle down with you," Phil grinned as he pulled his shirt on.

I paused, turning to look at him. My eyes smiling as I bit my lip, "Would you shut up?"

He giggled and grabbed his sweater. He pulled it on and hugged me tightly, "Ready?"

I nodded excitedly and kissed him quickly before grabbing my bag from beside my feet. I threw it over my shoulder and took one last look at my bedroom. It was going to be weird leaving all my art and supplies behind. But there was only room for the important stuff like clothes and food.

Phil nodded proudly and quickly pulled on his shoes. I slipped mine on and we made our way downstairs to the front door. I pulled open the door and held it for Phil, but he didn't comply.

I looked back at him, eyeing him up as I stood in the doorway. His sad blue eyes looked past me, suddenly realizing what he was leaving behind.

I stayed silent for a moment before slipping my hand into his, intertwining our fingers, "You sure you wanna go?"

Phil shook his head, quickly snapping out of his thoughts, "Yeah yeah, of course. Sorry. I just, I'm going to miss my family."

Guilt washed over me suddenly. Phil was dropping everything just to be with me. Was this sacrifice really worth it? 

"We can come back once we have our life together. I'm sure they would miss you so much that theyd forget all about this," I exhaled.

Phil turned to me, a smile toying at his lips now, "I'd love that."

"Let's go baby," I hummed as Phil squeezed my hand.

Phil chuckled softly and followed me out the door. I couldn't be more terrified about running away, yet so infatuated with the fantasy of having somebody to care for.

Phil and I walked as long as we could into the night until we reached a small abandoned train bridge where we decided to stay for the night. The weather had warmed up enough to melt all of the snow. It was a perfect night for sleeping under the stars with your soulmate.

"You can see the stars really well from up top," Phil suggested as we walked underneath the bridge.

I sat myself down on a small patch of pebbles and let out a heavy sigh, "You know, I think I could go for some food first."

"Of course," Phil smiled as he sat down beside me.

I grabbed Phil's backpack and pulled the zipper open, quickly grabbing out a sandwich, "Thank god."

"Do you think my parents are looking for me?" Phil asked, sounding kinda sad.

I sighed as I pulled the sandwich away from my lips, "If you want to go back-"

"No. Do you know how long I've been holding in these feelings, Dan? I've always known I was gay, but my parents were kind of set on the idea that I'd find a girl and get married. If I go back now, I'll only be proving to them that they're right," Phil explained as he pulled his legs to his chest.

"You actually see a life with me?" I asked as I eyed him up.

He smiled and looked over at me, "Yes my little bear. I do. I'm willing to do anything."

"You promise?" I asked as I looked into his eyes.

He nodded as his cellphone began to ring in his bag. I looked over at the bag, "You should get that."

"No. Let it ring," he replied and moved closer to me. "All I need is you."


	24. Martyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After daydreaming about their future together, they get caught by Phil's older brother.

I laid under the stars with Phil that night. It was really nice to see my old friends again. I smiled at the sky as Phil played with my curls, what more was there to ask for? This really was what pure bliss felt like.

"Would you ever want to have kids?" Phil whispered softly into my neck.

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the sky, "I never thought about it before."

"I do," Phil said moving and smiling widely at me. "Quite often."

I turned my head to look at him, his blue eyes sparking against the pale moonlight. My stomach turned as I stared at him.

"W-what? I asked suddenly feeling a bit nervous.

"You know like names, where we would live, what kind of dad I would be. That kind of stuff," Phil explained.

I nodded slowly as I tried to think of something to get from all of this, "We?"

Phil blushed and covered his face with his hands, "I don't see myself with anybody else."

I smiled widely and quickly pulled him closer to me, pressing a kiss against his temple.

"What kind of names do you have picked out for _our_ kids?" I teased playfully, although I was actually curious now.

He moved his fingers just enough to peer through them, "Dil, Daisy, Lilly-"

"Hold on, Dil? As in Pickle?" I asked, sounding a bit critical.

He giggled, "Yes. Dan plus Phil. Dil. He'd be our little dilly."

"Don't you think he would get bullied in school?" I asked, not meaning to sound so against his idea.

Phil frowned as he sat up, "Why?"

"Well Dil is half of Dildo, you know," I exhaled with a small smile on my face as I sat up.

Phil laughed and pushed me playfully, "Shut up! You're the only one bullying him."

I threw my head back in laughter as Phil sat with a playful pout on his face. It was a cute name though. Different I might add, but cute nonetheless.

"What's so funny?" A voice asked, sending us both silent.

Phil and I quickly jumped to our feet. We didn't expect anybody could hear or see us at this time of night, especially under a bridge. My breathing quickened as the shadow of a man grew closer. Phil didn't hesitate to move me behind him.

"W-What do you want?" Phil asked, his voice shaking slightly.

"Don't you know how to answer a phone? Mom has been crying all afternoon because of you guys. You couldn't have just left well enough alone, could you?" They responded with a shaky sigh. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Martyn?" Phil asked, suddenly dropping his guard. "How did you find us?"

He walked closer to us and pushed his hands into his pockets, "GPS signal on your phone"

"Mom's really been that bad?" Phil asked, his voice quivering.

He nodded and moved a hand out to Phil's shoulder, "Why are you guys here anyways? Running away?"

I stayed silent as I heard the sadness in his voice. This was my fault, I knew that. How could we still continue with this adventure when his family was worried sick.

"Yeah. Dan and I are leaving," Phil said flatly, crossing his arms.

"How can you live with yourself knowing how mom is? Dad, I can understand. But mom?" Martyn sighed with disapproval. "Come home."

Phil shook his head, "No. I can't be myself there. I'll come back when they're ready to except who I am."

"Just go home, Phil," I exhaled sadly.

He turned to me quickly, "What?"

"You're family loves you. You don't know how long they'll be around, so treasure them. While you can," I hummed as I grabbed phil's backpack.

He shook his head, "I'm not leaving without you."

"I'll be okay. You go home to your family and we can see each other tomorrow. Alright?" I said softly as I forced a smile on my face.

Phil pursed his lips as he stood in silence, quickly looking over at his brother for approval.

"I'll make sure you guys can see each other tomorrow," He told Phil flatly in attempt to win him over.

Phil rushed to my side, throwing his arms around my waist and pulling me into a tight hug.

"You're coming with me," Phil whispered in my ear.

I shrugged as Phil let go of me. We quickly grabbed our bags and headed back home with Martyn.

The ride back felt quick. As if all the walking and planning we did today meant nothing. In fact it _was_ nothing. In the end it got us nowhere but back where we started. If that didn't make you feel stupid, nothing would.

"I think you'd better go home. At least until this all blows over," Martyn advised me as we pulled into their driveway. "I'm sure your mom is worried about you as well."

I rolled my eyes as I sulked in the backseat, "Yeah. Probably."

"I love you. I promise I'll stop by later," Phil told me with a smile as he grabbed his bag.

I unclicked my seat belt and threw open the car door, "Okay. Love you too."

Phil didn't hesitate to run inside to his family. It was clear that he was just as scared as they were about this whole trip. The whole thing made me wonder if he even wanted to go in the first place, or if he just wanted to scare his family a little bit so they would accept him.

"See you, Howell," Martyn nodded at me as I closed the door.

"Bye," I said before returning home, stopping at my front door to watch them all hugging on their front porch.

A sadness washed over me as I was greeted with an empty house. My mom wasn't waiting anxiously at the front door like Phil's. In fact she didn't even know I had left.

"I'm home," I called out, in hopes someone would magically answer.

But to my dismay the silence didn't answer back. My eyes began to water as I slammed the front door behind me.

Why couldn't I have at least one thing to make me happy. Why did I have to be so fucking alone, all the time?


	25. Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tells Dan he's moving after not speaking to him for a week.

A week had passed since Phil and I decided to come back from our little adventure. It made me sad to know that it was so easy for him to give up on our journey.

I've found that things aren't as simple as Phil made them seem. Especially when it comes to love.

Phil had found a new appreciation for his family ever since we had returned. Somehow he seemed happier now than he had before.

He never did come by like he promised. But I guess that he had some explaining to do, especially after being caught running away.

We didn't talk much since we had planned our future together. I knew that it was because of his dad that he was afraid to speak to me.

It boggled my mind that the reason I had never seen his father was because he was homophobic. Turns out that Phil and I had something in common after all.

There was a time when the stars used to make everything better. But looking up at them now, I felt lonelier than ever before. I guess once you've had a taste of the good life, there was no going back.

Memories of Phil came flooding back to me. Teardrops flowing down my cheeks as I looked up at the moon. I wondered if Phil was watching with me, wherever he was.

I knew that I should let him go. Maybe live his life with the right person. Because of me, there was no way that Phil's parents would ever accept him.

But I just couldn't stop yearning for the taste his lips provided. I closed my eyes tightly and moved my hands to my face.

"Fuck," I breathed as dragged my hands down my face before looking back up at the stars. "I'm so gay."

"Well no shit," A quiet voice snickered from beside me.

I quickly turned to see Phil sitting beside me, a sad smile on his face. I gasped as I engulfed him in my arms.

"You're back," I cried into his shoulder as I squeezed him tightly.

Phil laughed softly as he wrapped his arms around me, "I missed you."

I pulled away and quickly moved my hands to his face, running my thumbs along his cheeks.

"I can't believe it's been a week without you," Phil sighed with content as he melted into my touch.

"That's way too long," I breathed as I quickly pressed small kisses all over his face.

"Dan!" He gasped as fits of giggles took over his body.

I paused and kept my eyes on his lips, "I'm sorry Phil. I just missed you so much."

He blushed as he pulled me down onto him, "You mean you haven't replaced me yet?"

I shook my head with a playful smile on my face, "God no."

Phil kept his beautiful smile as he leaned in close to my face, kissing me slowly as he moved his hands to my curls.

Fits of butterflies swarmed in my stomach as I felt the sparks on his tongue. I could hardly believe that he was back in my arms again.

It had felt like a life time since we had shared any sort of contact. I made sure to hold him as close as I could, in fear I might lose him once more.

Phil slowly broke our kiss, pulling away as slowly as he could to treasure every second. I felt my heart beating quick in my chest as his lips brushed against my cheek.

"Dan," Phil breathed before kissing me once more.

I nodded as he pulled away, "Yes?"

"I need you," He sighed with embarrassment as he moved away from me. "Nevermind it's stupid."

I shook my head and grabbed his hand gently, "I need you too. It's okay."

"No Dan I- I _need_ you," he hummed as he looked up at me. "I need to make you moan one last time."

"One last time?" I repeated, suddenly terrified of losing him so quickly. "What the hell do you mean one last time?"

What the hell did _one last time_ mean?? He couldn't just come up here to have sex with me and tell me it was the last time. How the fuck is that supposed to turn me on?

He ran his hands through his ebony hair, pushing it back into a quiff, "I'm moving, Dan."

I stiffened at the thought, quickly pulling myself up right, "What? You can't move."

"My parents want me to finish school without any distractions," he explained. "That's why I came to talk to you."

"There's only five months left. You can't leave without screwing up all your classes," I trembled as I shook my head.

"See here's the thing," Phil started as a smile began to spread across his face. "Today's my birthday."

I crinkled my nose in confusion, "What does that have to do with anything?"

He cupped my cheeks with his hands gently, bringing his face close to mine, "I'm eighteen now."

"I don't follow," I exhaled roughly.

Phil smiled widely as he inched his face closer to mine. I furrowed my eyebrows as I waited for an explanation. He was moving, why was he so happy about leaving me behind?

"They can't tell me what to do anymore," He explained with a smile. "I'm all yours now."

My eyes widened as I grabbed his face, "Are you serious?"

He nodded happily and pulled me in for a kiss, "I'm moving in with you."

I quickly pulled him in for a kiss. God, he had scared me. I had thought for sure that I had lost him for good.

Suddenly a thought popped into my mind as I broke our kiss, "Fuck Phil, Happy birthday!"

He giggled and covered his face with a hand lightly, "Thanks baby."

"I didn't get you anything," I gasped as I realized nothing was waiting for him to open. "I'm sorry."

Phil shook his head with a playful smile as he gestured towards my bedroom window, "How about we just make out instead?"

I chuckled as my cheeks grew hot. I realized now why he had wanted to have sex in the first place.

"You sure that's all you want?" I teased and nudged his side lightly with my elbow.

He bit his lip as he looked me up and down, "You know, I think I'll have myself a birthday meal."

I grabbed his waist and pulled his body close to me. I couldn't wait to get inside and pull off his stupid little shirt, "Phil, let's go home."


	26. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan tries to help Phil move his things out of his old room, but only upsets his parents in the process.

"I thought you weren't allowed to see eachother?" PJ asked Phil as we walked down the hallway.

Phil shrugged and turned to face Pj as he walked backwards, "Not anymore."

"What changed?" He asked, sounding kind of whiny.

Phil rolled his eyes and turned back around, "Nothing. I can't stay away from my boyfriend."

I smiled at how nice the word boyfriend sounded as it rolled off his tongue. Phil and I agreed that since he was going to be moving in with me, we would try and be a bit more public with our relationship.

Of course this meant I got to see PJ more than I wanted to, but it was Phil's only other friend. So I guessed that I had to put up with it.

"Gross," he scoffed at the thought of us together.

Phil laughed and moved his hand into mine, intertwining our fingers as we walked. Causing PJ to fake gag.

"You know the only reason nobody is beating you guys up right now is because Phil is so nice," he breathed and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. We gotta get the bus, okay? Well see you around," Phil told him as he split up. "Today's moving day!"

"Moving day?" He repeated in confusion as we began to walk away.

Phil turned back to him and waved, "Yup! Bye!"

I laughed to myself as we headed for the bus, leaving PJ clueless. Phil was super excited for moving, but I was terrified.

I knew that this was better than losing him forever, but I couldn't help but worry about what my mom and her one night stands would think.

"Did you tell your mom?" I asked as we took our seat on the bus.

Phil nodded as he played with my fingers, "Yeah, she wasn't to pleased with me. My dad was yelling a whole bunch too."

"Great," I sighed heavily and leaned my head back against the seat. "He's going to kill me."

Phil punched my side lightly, "Oh shut up, I won't let him."

I nodded and looked out of the window as we drove. I couldn't believe that today was the day I helped Phil move his stuff to my house. Especially when we still had to get past his parents, who were very good at guilt trips.

I couldn't help but over think everything, like where he would keep all his stuff or if we had enough enough money for food.

"C'mon," Phil urged as he broke me from my thoughts.

I looked up at him as I realized that we were supposed to get off. I quickly grabbed my bag and allowed Phil to guide me off of the bus.

"You ready?" I asked as the bus sped off behind us.

He shrugged, "As ready as I'll ever be."

I gripped Phil's hand as we walked up to his front door, quickly dropping it as his dad approached us in the doorway.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked me as he folded his arms across his chest. "Alone."

Phil looked at me nervously and awaited a response. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I nodded.

"Good," he replied and stepped inside, gesturing to the empty spot beside him.

I looked back at Phil before I walked inside, the door flying shut behind me. Memories of my dad rushed through my veins as I stood alone with Phil's dad.

"You know what I'm going to say, aren't you?" He asked flatly as he looked down at me.

I shook my head quickly, "N-no sir."

He leaned down to my eye level before pushing a finger to my chest, "I'm only letting you in so I can see Phil. But if you ever lay so much as a finger on him, I will beat the fuck out of you."

I nodded as my body tensed up. What was I thinking, coming with Phil to get stuff while they were all home.

"I'm not going to hurt him," I promised as he moved away from me to pull open the front door.

"For a minute I thought you were going to murder him," Phil sighed with relief as we met eyes.

His dad laughed stiffly, "Don't temp me."

"I know," Phil replied emptily before leading me to the stairs.

Once up in Phil's old bedroom, I laid down on his bed. It was the last time I would ever see this room again, which was a weird feeling.

This was where we had our first kiss, where we first said I love you. All just gone, because I liked to kiss boys instead of girls.

"Do you know when I first realized that I loved you?" Phil asked as he laid down beside me on the bed.

I shook my head as I looked over at him, "Enlighten me."

"When I found out that your hobby was watching the night sky," He told me with a fond smile.

I propped myself up on my elbows, "What, really? Why?"

"Because you weren't stuck behind some false happiness like everybody else. You were real with me and I respected that," he explained as he ran his knuckles along my cheek. "How many people watch the stars in their free time? Its always football or cooking."

My eyes widened as I tried to process what exactly he had said, "Not because of my looks?"

"Well that was a bonus of course," he giggled softly. "Now let's get these boxes out so we can go home and cuddle."

"Boxes?" A soft voice arose from the doorway. "What's all this?"

Phil shot up quickly, "They're my things. I'm moving remember."

"What do you mean you're moving? I thought we went over this?" His mom asked in denial.

I sat up as I felt the bed move. Phil had stood up and walked over to his mother in the doorway. 

"You aren't leaving this house with another boy. Especially not with him," His mom rose her voice.

"I don't have aids, I'm good in school, I'm nice, and I don't do drugs. What's so bad about me that you'd rather lose your son over?" I snapped as the entire room fell silent.

Phil glanced over at me before turning back to his mom, "Nothing you say can change who I am. All I ask for is your acceptance."

"It's just not right. I'm sorry baby," She told us before walking away.

Phil sighed and shut the door behind her, "Thanks for putting up with this."

"C'mon, let's go home. Just bring the important things for now," I hummed before pressing a small kiss to his forehead.


	27. Not So Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martyn finally comes to accept Dan.

A few days had passed since Phil moved in with us. We had decided to leave his stuff until we really needed it, as Phil's parents were still really choked up about him being my gay boyfriend.

My mom seemed happy at the thought of someone staying with us again, although I never told her it was because we were dating. She didn't have to know the real reason though - just incase.

I laid on my bed while I waited for Phil to shower. It was still weird that he lived with me now. Just a couple months ago, I thought it would be the other way around.

"Someone get the door!" My mom yelled from the downstairs kitchen.

I sighed as I pulled myself up from my bed. I hated answering the door, because you never know who could be waiting on the other side.

I made my way downstairs and pulled the door open, revealing Martyn, Phil's brother.

"Is Phil here?" He asked quietly.

I bit my lip as I looked around the room behind me, "He's in the shower."

"Okay. Can I talk to you then?" He asked softly as he moved his hands to his pockets.

I nodded and moved to the side, allowing him entry. I shut the door behind us and then turned to Martyn, who seemed very calm and collected.

"What are your intentions with Phil?" He asked as he turned to face me. "Do you actually see a future with him?"

I nodded confidently, "I don't have any 'intentions'. We're just two boys in love."

"So you're not going to hurt him?" He asked as he looked down at me.

I shook my head at his question, my nose crinkled up at his assumption, "Why would I hurt him?"

"Your father hurt you, did he not?" He asked, causing my body to grow stiff.

How did he know about my father? Did he really think that just because my father hurt me that I would hurt Phil?

"He did," I replied flatly.

He nodded in agreement and threw his hands out to his sides, "Am I making any sense?"

"Ever since my father left, everybody treated me like I was some sort of infected piece of garbage," I started as I moved my eyes down to his feet.

I avoided his eye contact as I stared at the ground now, "Before Phil came along, I was ready to just end everything. Nothing mattered to me because I had nothing to live for."

"I get that you were really depressed but you didn't have to corrupt him," Martyn hissed in disgust.

I looked back up at him promptly, "I wanted nothing to do with him. He's the one who wedged himself in and saved my life."

Martyn stared back at me, his eyes wide with confusion. Had they really thought that I was the one messing up their perfect little life all along?

"Phil knew what he was doing. He knew he was gay long before he met me. But he couldn't trust you guys with that secret, could he?" I snapped as I backed away from Martyn.

He stood in confusion, his mouth gapped slightly. I wondered if I had said too much or if maybe I had put it into perspective for him.

"He was always gay?" Martyn asked, slowly coming to terms with my statement.

"Yes! I'm sorry that I'm not the greatest guy to fall in love with, but I'm enough for Phil. Isn't that all that matters?" I questioned.

"You're right," he said before turning and walking back towards the front door.

He pulled it open as he looked back at me, "You know Dan, you're not that bad."

"Thanks," I hummed as he disappeared through the door.

What had just happened? I blinked my eyes a few times before turning on my heel and heading back upstairs. What had changed for Martyn to suddenly understand me?

I sighed as I sat down on my bed. Thoughts of Phil swirled around in my head as I thought more about what intentions everyone thought I would have.

"Dan? Is it okay if I come in? I'm naked," Phil cooed from behind the door.

A small smile grew on my face at the sound of his voice. Even though he was only gone twenty minutes, I had missed him.

"Yes come in! You don't have to ask," I told him as the door creaked open.

Phil giggled in embarrassment as he walked over to me in just a towel, "I'm sorry. What if your mom was in here?"

"I guess," I stated as he turned to dig through a backpack full of clothes. "Its your room now too though."

I watched him contently as he looked for something to wear. I smiled as I thought about how much I loved that boy.

"Your brother stopped by," I told him as he pulled out one of my favorite shirts.

He turned to face me, his towel wrapped around his waist tightly, "Why?"

"He wanted to make sure that you were okay," I explained. "I think he gets it now."

Phil quickly pulled on my baggy blue t-shirt. I usually didn't wear things that didn't fit me, but my grandma gave me that shirt. And the last thing I was going to do was throw it out because it stretched a bit in the wash.

"What do you mean?" He quizzed as he looked for some underwear.

I laid back down on the bed, closing my eyes so he could get changed. I didn't really know what exactly happened, but I could tell that it was a good thing.

"I told him you were gay long before me, and if I was enough for you why did it matter what my past is. And he said I was right," I explained badly as I fought urges to open my eyes.

I felt the bed shift slightly as his warm body laid next to mine. I kept my eyes shut even as his fingers combed through my hair.

"Hey, you _are_ the greatest, most caring person I have ever met. It's been a pleasure falling in love with you," Phil whispered into my ear.

I fluttered my eyes open, to find his staring back at me.

"Don't ever say you're anything less than amazing," Phil empathized before pressing a kiss to my lips.


	28. Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Phil insists that they should come out to Dan's mom they end up finding out something they didn't want to know. Causing Dan to lose his temper on his mom.

About a month had passed since Phil had moved in with us. It was nice having him around, especially after those long winter nights without him.

We tried to visit his family every weekend, even if it was just Martyn who would talk to us. I couldn't deny that this was what I wanted for the rest of my life. Of course, my mom still had no idea that we were gay.

"You know, I think we should tell your mom about us. It's already been about six months," Phil suggested as he took a seat next to me on the floor.

It was almost April now, meaning that all the snow had long melted. It was beginning to get warmer outside, yet the bed still felt cold whenever Phil wasn't in it.

I looked to him but said nothing. I took a few minutes to collect my thoughts before I responded. I knew that telling my mom would mean a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

But what would she say if I told her, _your_ _only son is gay?_

I had dreamt of this day a few times before, each time the outcome worse than the last.

"I guess she has to find out sooner or later, right?" I huffed as I pulled myself up right. "Do you think she'll be mad?"

Phil shook his head, "I think she's probably seen it coming. Don't you?"

I shrugged before pressing a soft kiss to his lips, "What if we don't tell her?"

Phil returned the favor before answering my question. I loved having conversations like this, it always made me feel better.

"You have to tell her. I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to kiss you in rooms other than the bedroom," He whined before kissing me again.

I groaned as he pulled away. I didn't want to tell my mom, or anyone for that matter. But Phil was determined to let people know that I was his.

"We can do that when she's not home," I argued and crossed my arms. "Please Phil?"

Phil stood up and extended his hand for me to grab. I rolled my eyes as I grabbed his hand and pulled myself to my feet.

"Come on," He whined as he pulled me towards the door.

I stiffened as I realized what he was doing. If there was one thing I didn't like about Phil, was that he was very determined. He liked to make things right with everybody he met, and in this case it was my mom.

"Phil I really dont-" I started as I followed his lead.

"I'll be right there with you," He insisted as we walked down the stairs.

I pulled my hand away as we entered the hallway. If I was going to tell her that I was gay, it was going to be in a way that didn't involve Phil.

Maybe it would all work out fine. The worst she could do is kick us out. But she would never kick out her only son. Or at least I was pretty sure she wouldn't.

"Ms. Howell there's something Dan would like to tell you," Phil stated as we walked into the living room.

Suddenly my eyes met with someone i didnt want to see on the day I planned to come out to my mom. I felt my heart sink as I moved in front of Phil. I felt absolutely helpless, but there was no way he was going to come near _my_ baby.

My mom looked up at us, a small smile on her face, "I have something I'd like to tell you as well."

"What is he doing here?" I snapped, raising my voice slightly. "I thought you dropped his sorry ass."

Phil grabbed my hand and held it tightly as I awaited a response from my mom. There was no way in hell I was telling her now, not while Daryl was here.

My mom looked to me and then back to Phil quickly as her eyes searched for an explanation as to why I was so upset.

"He's moving in," she said with a smile.

"Why?" I whimpered as my voice quivered.

She turned to Daryl who was hardly making any facial expressions at all, "Should we tell him?"

I looked to Daryl as I squeezed Phil's hand tightly against mine. What could possibly go wrong now?

"I don't care," he told her emptily. "I really have no interest in _your_ son."

Suddenly my eyes widened as I caught drift of what they were going to tell me. Was my mom really pregnant?

"You're pregnant?" I asked, disgust filling my voice.

My mom squealed as she covered her mouth quickly, "Yeah!! Isn't this great! You're going to be a big brother!"

I scoffed and shook my head. I thought my mom knew better than this. She couldn't be having a child, she was almost in her forties.

"Congratulations," Phil replied, a small smile spread across his face.

My mom smiled widely as she took Daryl's hand, "Thank you! I'm so excited."

I nodded and turned around to leave. Phil quickly followed behind me, our hands still intertwined. We began walking away when my mom stopped us, "Did you have something to say?"

I paused and turned back to look at them. I couldn't live here any longer. I didn't care if I wasn't quite old enough yet, I had to get out of here. Plus its not like they would care.

"I'm moving out," I sighed heavily as thoughts of taking care of a baby stung my brain.

Daryl followed close behind my mom, patting her on the back before pushing his hands into his pockets, "Good. We could use the extra space."

"Y-you are?" My mom stuttered in absolute shock. "But what if we need your help with the baby?"

I let go of Phil's hand and folded my arms against my chest as Daryl walked past us. He nudged my side with his elbow as he pushed past me on his way to the kitchen.

"I can't stay here with you mom. I'm sorry," I apologized and turned back to face Phil, who was waiting for me in the hallway.

Just when you think you finally have everything figured out, life throws you a curve ball. I felt bad for leaving her alone with this monster, but if I stayed here my nights would only be filled with bruises. And there was no way I was letting Phil in on that lifestyle.

"But Dan- baby! You can't leave," My mom pleaded as I walked away.

I balled my hands into fists as I headed towards the stairs. There was no way I was dealing with this right now. Not with Daryl in the kitchen cracking open a cold beer.

"Is it because of that boy? He's welcome here too you know. I don't care if you two are gay I can't lose my baby," My mom begged as she followed us to the stairway.

I turned on my heels, almost bumping into Phil in the process. She knew all this time?

"How do you figure?" I quizzed, my heart thumping hard in my chest.

She shrugged in confusion as she looked over at Phil, "Why else would he be living with us?"

"Because we're friends?" I lied as she shook her head.

She sighed heavily as she put her head in her hands, "No you arent. Everybody else knew, you think I didn't? You don't think that I haven't laid awake wondering what went wrong?"

I rolled my eyes and looked at Phil who was awkwardly standing beside me. I felt bad for bringing him into this, but this is what he wanted after all.

My mom looked back up at me, tears streaming from her brown eyes, "I know it's my fault that your dad did those things to you before. I'm sorry, but you know you can change. You can meet a pretty girl and-"

I cut her off, raising my voice over hers, "Is that what you think mom? You think I liked my dad fucking me in the ass? Is that why I'm gay?"

"Dan," Phil cooed and put a hand on my arm.

I ignored him as I continued to yell in my mother's face. She couldn't possibly believe that the reason I was gay was because my dad raped and beat the shit out of me every night.

"You're a selfish bitch you know that? Everything has always been about you. You love him, so you won't kick him out. You hate that I want some time to myself so you become a stripper, leaving alone to practically raise myself. And I'm the one who's fucked up because I like boys?" I snapped as rage flushed over my body.

"This is why I'm fucking moving out. You only care about me because you feel guilty about what dad did," I added and ran a hand through my hair.

Daryl stormed over to us as my mom burst into tears. Suddenly I remembered why I had always kept my stupid mouth shut. There would always be some random ass drunk guy to take her side.

"Get the fuck out of here while you still have the chance," He snarled as he put his beer-less hand on her shoulder.

I did as I was told and retreated to my room, Phil following behind me. If there were any doubts about moving out before, we definitely were now.


	29. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's mom is a little more accepting after Phil's comforting promises.

"We could move to my house? I know it's not the best solution... But it is an option if we need it," Phil rambled as I pulled out my sketchbook.

I shrugged as I flipped through the pages. Phil didn't know, but this whole moving thing hurt more than I cared to admit.

My mom was only having this baby so that Daryl would stay with her. I get that she's lonely, but she really shouldn't be trying to replace me just because she doesn't want to be alone.

"I know this is crazy, but it'll all work itself out in the end. I mean well be graduating and moving on with our lives. Maybe this is your mom's way of coping?" Phil suggested as he took a seat beside me on the floor.

I pulled my pencil to my lips, parting them with the eraser slightly. I hated how rational Phil was. He was more than likely right, but I didn't want to admit that.

All my mom ever had for eighteen years was me. Through thick and thin, through every stupid boyfriend she's ever had. It was always me who waited for her at the end of the day.

Until now.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

Phil leaned his head on my shoulder and sighed contently as he found a comfortable position.

"What are you drawing?" Phil asked as I brought my pencil to the paper.

I shrugged as I worked on a sketch that I started a while back. It was usually embarrassing when Phil caught me drawing him, but this time I was proud of my work.

I never used to be that good at drawing faces. Possibly because there were never any faces that I liked enough to draw. But ever since I had met Phil, he was all I wanted to draw.

"It's just us," I replied softly, my cheeks glowing a soft red.

He smiled widely, "You're getting better."

"You think?" I asked as I tried to stay focused on my lines.

Phil was always my number one distraction when I was drawing, mostly because he made me want to stop drawing and kiss him.

A knock arose at my bedroom door, causing me to shut my sketchbook out of habit. Phil quickly moved to sit on the bed.

He was still a bit shy to show that we were close. To be honest I don't blame him for that.

"What do you want mom?" I groaned.

The door creaked open as my mom peaked through the crack, "Can I come in?"

I sighed and moved my hands down to my lap, "I guess."

The door moved open slowly as my mom made her way inside. She looked thinner than usual. I guessed it was because the baby was taking all of her nutrients.

"I'm sorry that I upset you," She apologized with a small frown.

I ignored her as I moved my eyes to my sketchbook. I debated moving it to my bed, but felt that would look weird.

"I just came to say that, I didn't mean what I said. I shouldn't have said it and I'm sorry," she said softly as she played with her fingers. "It shouldn't matter who you fall in love with. This is just- different for me."

I swallowed hard and pulled myself to my feet, "You don't think this is different for me too?"

I felt Phil tug at the back of my shirt lightly as I began to raise my voice. Usually I would ignore his attempts to keep the peace, but this time I listened.

"I know and I'm sorry. This isn't what I came to talk about though," She told me as her tired brown eyes danced around my bedroom.

I waited as she observed her surroundings. I guess she had never really looked at my room the way I had. Understandable considering the only time she came in it was when someone was trying to hurt me.

"What did you come to talk about?" I asked, my voice lower now.

She sighed and looked to Phil before looking back to me, "I'm just worried about you going out there alone."

I rolled my eyes as I grabbed my bag from beside the bed, "You never looked after me before, why would you care now?"

"So you're actually going then?" My mom asked as panic filled her voice. 

I nodded and looked back at Phil, keeping my eyes on him as I spoke. "I don't need you anymore."

"Dan," My mom hummed as she reached out for me. "You don't understand, you cant go."

I shook my head in protest, "Mom, i'll be fine."

"What if your dad comes back? How will you protect yourself?" She asked, her eyes flickering with anxiety.

"I'll protect him," Phil spoke up confidently, breaking his silence. "He'll be safe with me, I promise."

My mom sighed heavily as she moved her eyes to Phil. She pulled a hand up to her mouth and began to chew at her nail nervously for a moment as she thought about what he had just told her

"You'll keep him safe?" She hummed.

Phil nodded and walked over to my mom, putting a hand on her shoulder gently. A warm smile spread across his face as his crystal blue eyes looked into his brown ones.

"I promise your son is safe with me. Us moving is just one more weight off of your shoulders. You're growing a baby, you don't need us getting in the way of that. We won't be too far, " He promised, sounding a lot more grown up than I remembered.

My mom nodded as she gave into his speech, "Thank you."

"Anytime," Phil replied softly. "I know you don't really accept him all that much, but I really do love him."

I watched as Phil bonded with my mom more than I ever had. It was amazing how he could change someone's perspective so easily.

"As long as hes with you I don't think I mind," She commented and pulled him into a small hug.

A smile spread across my face. How did Phil single handedly change my moms opinion on me moving? He certainly was an amazing guy.

"Dan get in here," he demanded and held out an arm.

I laughed and shook my head playfully, "I'm good."

"C'mon," he pleaded as my mom chuckled to herself.

I couldn't help but give into his whining. I hadn't ever been apart of a group hug like this before, so I didn't know what to expect. But it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.

It was warm and accepting, which is was more than enough for me.


	30. Renting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys look at some potential apartments while desperately applying for jobs.

"Arent you a bit young to be renting apartments?" The landlord asked as Phil and I arrived to look at an apartment just uptown.

"No. We're adults just like everybody else," Phil said firmly.

Ever since Phil promised my mom that he'd protect me, he had began to act more grown up. Instead of doodling or watching TV, he dedicated his free time to finding us a place to live.

It was weird to see Phil acting his own age, but it just made me love him even more.

We had the day off school today for a PD day, which we used to our advantage. I was getting tired of taking the city bus around town and applying to jobs every few blocks.

It was a good idea though, on phils part. He was definitely doing everything he could to look after me, as he promised.

Something must have clicked with him that night with my mom. I guess sometimes all you need is a little push in the right direction.

"Right this way," The lady replied, sounding a bit stunned by Phil's bluntness.

I forced a smile on my face as the lady lead the way. I couldn't remember her name or who exactly she was. We had been to at least six viewings of apartments just this one afternoon, and they all started to feel the same to me.

"So this is a one bedroom, utilities are included. I'm sure you'll love the kitchen, it's very cozy and intimate," She explained as she pushed the door open.

Phil looked to me with a small smile on his face, "What do you think bear?"

I shrugged as I walked in slowly. It was a nice place. Kind of small, but as she said it was cozy. I tried to imagine furniture inside as I looked around.

As hard as it was, I thought about a small apartment with Phil. The thought brought a smile to my face. Small was easy to clean and we didn't have much.

"I like it," I hummed as I walked back to Phil.

He nodded in agreement as he leaned against the wooden windowsill, "How much was this one again?"

"It's 600 a month," She chirped, eager to catch us in her one year lease.

"I think this is it. Can we call you tomorrow with our decision?" Phil told her confidently.

She nodded and handed him an application to fill out. I leaned forward and looked out of the window, watching the cars and people go by as Phil talked about the important stuff.

As hard as I tried I couldn't focus on what she had to say. I wanted to listen to her, but the words all seemed to fade away as I watched life go on beneath us.

"Dan? You coming?" Phil asked, nudging me with his elbow slightly.

Even though the whole day was mostly a blur, I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

Once we arrived back home I went straight to the fridge. All that walking made me hungry. Phil had gone back to our room to look for more jobs on the laptop he borrowed from his brother.

I sighed at the lack of food options and decided to grab a yogurt tube. They were always easy enough to eat, and will hold me over until I eat later.

"You know those arent good for you," Daryl snickered as he leaned against the counter.

"So?" I replied and shut the fridge.

I didn't want to talk to this guy, let alone live with him. Why was he talking to me anyways, didn't he have someone else's life to ruin?

"So you're moving out, huh?" He asked as he twisted the lid off of his drink. "What a waste."

I rolled my eyes and walked away from him. Frankly, he creeped me out more now than he did before and I wanted to ignore him.

"Is your twink moving too?" He asked with a taunting laugh.

I bit my lip as I walked, fighting back wasn't worth the pain. I felt his eyes staring me down as I walked down the hallway. An uneasy feeling in my stomach, I felt so exposed with my back to him.

But seeing Phil in our room made everything settle. I closed the door behind me quietly as he typed frantically.

Phil turned almost instantly, "Dan! I got one! They emailed me back and I start tomorrow!"

"What?" I asked in shock. "You got a job?"

He nodded and closed the laptop carefully before running over to hug me, "We can finally move on."

"I love you so much," I croaked and buried my head into his neck.

Phil chuckled, "I'll never get tired of hearing that."

I moved my head back up and looked into his sparkling blue eyes, "Wheres your new job at?"

"A gas station just a few blocks from here," He told me with a smile.

"That's great," I told him with a smile equally as big. "So we can apply for that place now?"

"Done and done. They should get back to me tomorrow," He giggled. "We're going to live together, baby!"

Never in a million years did I think that leaving this shit hole would be possible. Have I found my place in this world at last?


	31. Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has a heart to heart with Phils older brother while hes at work.

Today was the day Phil went to work at his new job. Unfortunately for the both of us he worked nights, as that was the only shift that was available.

It scared me to leave my room once it was dark, because I never knew what was lurking in the shadows. So I just kept to the roof and my room for now.

I wondered how Phil was doing at his new job, and if he liked it. I almost felt like a loser just sitting around doing nothing.

"Dan?" A familiar voice called to me as I came to my senses. "What the hell are you doing up there?"

"Martyn?" I questioned as I looked over to Phil's old bedroom window. "I'm star gazing."

He laughed softly for a moment and shook his head, "Shouldnt you two be in bed?"

I shrugged and moved closer to the edge of the roof so I didnt have to shout.

"Phil's at work," I told him with a flat smile. "I can't sleep without him."

His face fell soft as he leaned against the window sill. He looked drained, probably from working too hard.

"He got a job?" He asked lightly. "Wow. Time sure does fly by, huh?"

I nodded and looked back up at the stars. They sparkled so brightly in the midnight sky. I still wished that I could visit them, but less than before. Life on earth was better now, so i didnt really have a good reason to think about leaving it.

"Wheres he working?" Martyn spoke up, breaking the silence.

I shrugged with a small sigh, "I can't remember. It's the gas station down by the elementary school."

"Why dont you text him?" He suggested as he folded his arms.

I scoffed and shook my head, "I dont have a phone."

"You don't?" He gasped. "What do you do all day?"

I laughed lightly. I guess that having a phone was a big deal these days. My mom barely had enough money for food, never mind a phone.

"Wanna go for a drive?" He asked me with a small smile.

I sat up and looked at him to see if he was joking or not. But his friendly smile told me that he was serious.

"To go see him?" I asked before getting my hope's up.

He nodded and stood himself up, "Meet me at my car in about five minutes, okay? I miss my little brother."

I smiled with a nod as he closed the window. Martyn was actually taking me for a drive, how nice was that?

Admittedly it was a little weird that he was in Phil's old room watching me in the first place. But I've learned not to question the Lester families way of thinking.

I crawled back through my window and looked around for my coat. I frowned when proving unsuccessful. Phil must have took it with him to work earlier.

I guess my hoodie would have to do. I was only going to be outside for a few minutes anyways, so it shouldnt matter.

Now for sneaking out of the house without confrontation, that would be the hard part.

I walked down the stairs quietly, only to find my mom and Daryl were awake watching TV. Walking past probably wasn't the best idea, but it had to be done.

"Where the fuck are you going at this time of night?" Daryl snapped, causing my fists to tighten on my sleeves.

"I'm going to meet Phil at work," I told him before turning back around to walk.

He quickly stood up and grabbed my hood, yanking me back towards him, "There will be no booty calls in this house. Got it?"

"Guess you'd better get out then," I taunted.

I was in no mood to play around tonight. I was going to see Phil after not seeing him since eight thirty, and nothing was going to stop me.

"Grow the fuck up," he scoffed as he threw me to the ground.

I quickly scrambled to my feet and ran out of the door, slamming it behind me. Never have I ever talked back to anybody like that before, and it surprisingly felt pretty good.

"You coming?" Martyn shouted as he rolled down his car window.

I nodded and quickly rushed over to him. I dont think I've ever rode shotgun in a vehicle before, but it was a nice feeling.

It was quiet at first, but eventually Martyn made an effort to be friendly, even if that made things even more awkward.

"What type of music do you like?" He asked as we began to drive.

I shrugged. I didnt really listen to music, so I had no idea what type I really liked.

"I'm not sure," I told him with a frown, causing it to grow quiet again.

A few minutes passed before I got the courage to speak again. This time it was a little bit more serious.

"Why are you being nice to me?" I asked quietly as we rolled up to a red light.

He turned to me for a moment, "Because you make my brother happy."

"He makes me happy too," I replied softly.

"You know he used to have really bad anxiety until we got him a kitten for Christmas. Ever since then, he told the cat all of his troubles and worries. And it turns out that actually helped him be more social once we moved here," Martyn told me with a small exhale.

I gasped, "I forgot about whiskers."

He nodded as we began to drive once more, "When Phil didnt come back for his best friend, I knew that you meant a lot to him."

I cant believe I forgot about Whiskers this whole time. Phil hadn't mentioned him either, though. Maybe because he knew he was safe with Martyn?

"So I guess I thought that if you were going to be my brother in law, I should get to know you more. Even if my parents dont really except you," he told me with a small smile.

A smile grew on my face as we slowed down, "You're going to accept me?"

"I'm going to make sure that you feel like family," he smiled widely as we pulled into the gas station. "Take this so you can keep in touch."

My eyes widened as he handed me a cellphone, "I can't accept that."

He nodded, "Dont worry, it's my old one. I think you should have it, so you can message Phil."

"This is such a big gift, Martyn. Thank you so much," I hummed as tears of joy filled my eyes.

"You're welcome, kiddo. I'll pay for it until you guys get on your feet," He promised and undid his seat belt. "Go see your boyfriend while I fill up my tank."

"Thank you," I cried as he wrapped an arm around me.


	32. Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After playing with Dan's new phone Phil retreats to the kitchen for snacks, only bringing bruises back to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied violence

"I cant believe my brother gave you his old phone," Phil gasped as he glanced over to it on the table. "He must really like you."

I chuckled as I picked it up and turned it on. I couldn't believe it either. Someone had actually loved me enough to give me something expensive. I had never had a phone before, so I really didn't know how exactly to have fun with it yet. But I knew that I could use it to talk to Phil, and that was enough for me.

"I haven't really touched it since he gave it to me. Im afraid to break it," I admitted as the screen turned on, greeting me with a photo of Whiskers.

Phil extended his hand towards me and rose his eyebrows, "Let me see?"

I handed him my phone and watched as he fiddled with it for a few minutes. A big smile grew on his face as he found what he was looking for. 

"What are you doing?" I asked with a small giggle as I sat beside him.

"Taking a photo to show our kids," He teased and held the phone out in front of us.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him playfully, "Wow gross."

He threw his head back in laughter. Forcing a smile onto my face as he gasped for air. I shook my head at his exaggeration, "What's so funny?"

"Your face! You should have seen your face!" He wheezed with laughter, causing me to start giggling myself.

I rose my eyebrow in shock, "My face? You should see yours right now, Mr. Strawberry."

This only caused him to laugh harder; slapping his knee with his hand as he let himself go. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me, kissing him as he laughed.

He took one last deep breath before coming down from his high, "Mr. Strawberry."

"Yes, you're so red!" I gigged as he wiped his eyes.

"Oh my god, I was taking a video this whole time are you serious. I'm so dumb," He exclaimed as he turned back to me. "I can delete it for you."

I grabbed the phone from his hands gently and shook my head, "Never. Now I have something to make me smile when I'm upset."

"At least let me take one good photo for your phone background," He pouted and made puppy dog eyes at me.

I laughed and held out the phone again, Phil turning it to the camera for me to take the photo.

I took a couple of just us smiling and one of us kissing, which Phil liked. 

"You better send me these," He said before pulling himself off of the bed.

"I will later. Don't worry," I blushed and put my phone beside me on the side table. 

Phil walked to the bedroom door, a permanent smile on his face. I melted at the happiness that oozed out of him. I really was truly, madly, deeply in love with him. It's a bit cliché, but I would die for him.

"I'm going to get us some snacks, don't move okay?" He grinned with a wink. "I'll be like a few minutes."

I nodded in agreement as he left the room. I wasn't really hungry, but Phil seemed to think that I should eat more than once or twice a day. Which he was right about, but I had lived on less before.

I laid back in the bed as I decided to get comfortable for when he got back. A warm cuddle would be heaven right now. My eyes fluttered as the warmth from the blankets consumed my body. It was going to be hard to stay awake with a deep sea of blankets like this. 

It felt like forever waiting for him to get back, but that might have been because I kept dozing off. I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the dresser, it immediately buzzing in my hand as a text from Phil popped up on the screen.

"Come downstairs!!!"

I smiled happily as I put my phone down beside me on the bed. Phil probably decided he was hungrier than he thought and was cooking up a storm down there. Its typical of him to want me to go downstairs as soon as I got comfortable. I groaned as I attempted to peel the blanket off of me. The crisp air hit my bare legs as I ripped the blanket off like a bandaid. I laid there for a moment until the shivers went away. Phil could wait while I adjusted to not being lazy for a minute or two. 

I finally got the energy to pull myself from my bed and stand up. My bare feet tiptoeing against the chilly floorboards as I walked over to the bedroom door. Pulling it open I realized that there were no fighting or signs of distress from downstairs. Which told me that nobody else was home; meaning that I could be cute with Phil whenever I wanted. It was weird being home alone on a Tuesday, as usually everybody is home until Friday at least.

Maybe Phil and I could make the best of this time alone and have a movie night or something. He had been wanting to cuddle up to his favourite Disney movie for a while now, but i'm not much of a movie person so I always ended up falling asleep.

I yawned as I hopped down from the stairs, sleepily making my way over to the kitchen. Maybe we could make some cookies or something to snack on while we watched our movie. I smiled at the thought of a movie night. Just a night alone with Phil was overdue, since he seemed to always be working.

"About time you showed up," Daryl's deep voice snickered as I entered the kitchen.

My body grew stiff as I straightened my back, "What do you want?"

He shook his head in disappointment, "I thought that you would have came faster for your boyfriend."

I shook my head in confusion as he walked away laughing. I walked into the kitchen and looked around, Phil was nowhere in sight.

"Dan," A small voice croaked from the floor beside me.

Phil? What was he doing on the floor? I rushed to his aid, quickly pulling him onto my lap.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I cradled his shaking body in my arms.

He grasped onto my shirt weakly, "No."

"What did he do to you?" I asked, panic growing in my voice.

Phil stayed silent as he buried his head in my shirt. I rubbed his back for a moment as he calmed his breathing down. I pulled away from our embrace, looking him over. Bruises covered his jaw, and neckline.

I frowned as I pulled him close to me once more. The bruises told a story that Phil couldn't, and I think it was clear that we had to get out of this place as soon as possible.

"It's okay. Lets go," I promised as I helped him up from the floor. "Take a nice warm bath and I'll set up a movie okay, baby?"

Phil nodded, not saying a word as we walked up the stairs together. I went to get him some clean clothes from our room and a clean towel as he waited in the bathroom. 

"Do you want me to stay with you?" I asked as he sat on the edge of the bathtub. 

He nodded, still not speaking to me for some reason. I shrugged it off as I locked the door and sat on the floor, facing away from him. A half hour passed before I heard the water begin to drain from the tub. 

I waited for his signal that it was okay for me to look again. But he got dressed quietly and walked right past me, without saying a word. I quickly stood up, following him into the bedroom.

"Phil? Are you alright?" I asked gently as I closed the door behind me.

He took a deep breath before pulling out his phone from the bedside drawer, ignoring my every word. I guess he needed some alone time. That was fine.

I sat myself on the windowsill with my sketchbook, watching life go on without me. Everything seemed prettier in the spring: Flowers bloomed, trees budded, and birds chirped happily. It was no surprise spring was my favourite time of year. Not to hot, not to cold, just perfect temperature for sketching outside.

A few hours passed by as I sketched a photo of Phil and I. I looked back over to Phil who was still wrapped up in his phone. I wondered what he was doing on that thing for so long, it wasn't like him to be more interested in that than my sketches.

"I'm leaving," He stated without looking back up at me.


	33. Do I make you happy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is having second thoughts about their relationshop after being fired from his job for his sexuality.

"What?" I asked, putting my sketchbook down beside me on the windowsill.

He stood up, a frown on his face as he pulled on his sweater. I watched as he walked over to me silently. I swung me legs over the edge, pulling myself up promptly.

"Where are you going?" I asked when fronted with silence. "Is this about Darryl?"

Phil looked away, avoiding my eye contact. I could tell something was wrong, but just couldn't put my finger on it.

"No. Although I don't think I'll ever get used to being hit like that," he mumbled sadly. "I can't imagine how you lived like this your entire life."

The room was still for a moment as I felt the emotion flowing through his words. I didn't know how to bring myself to respond. 

I reached my arms out, pulling him into a hug. He immediately melted into my arms.

"Just a week more and well be moving into our new place. You're doing great at your new job, and I'll have one soon hopefully," I hummed and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

"Dan," Phil whimpered in my ear. "It's my job."

I looked at him puzzled, my eyebrows furrowing with confusion, "What about it?"

"I was fired," he croaked.

I moved back to look into his eyes. Was he serious? He was fired? Why? So many questions ran through my mind at a mile a minute.

"What?" I asked, shellshocked. "Why?"

He shrugged his shoulders and tugged away from me. I felt my arms droop down to my sides.

"Because I'm worthless," he sighed.

I shook my head and reached out to grab his arm. Where did this come from? As far as I knew, Phil was an amazing employee.

"You aren't useless. Where is this coming from?" I frowned.

Phil covered his face with his pale hands, allowing a small exhale from his lips.

"What's wrong with me, Dan?" He cried into his hands. "Why am I different than everybody else?"

I put my hand on his shoulder gently with a frown, "baby."

Phil pulled away from me quickly, leaving my arm to linger in the air for a minute. I didnt understand why he was upset.

"What's wrong with me? Why do I find you absolutely breathtaking? Why do I have to be a stupid gay man. Why can't I like women, Dan?" He cried.

I stayed quiet as he paced around the room, anger and frustration swirling around his head.

"My manager found out that I was gay and fired me. I'm sick of being pushed around because of who I love," Phil explained angerly.

Suddenly things were beginning to make more sense. Phil had lived a life free of discrimination up until now. He had a family who loved and respected him for who he was. He wasn't used to being abandoned like I was. The pressure must have been bubbling up inside him ever since he got in trouble for trying to run away.

"Thats why I have to leave Dan. I can't even hold down a job, I might as well just suck up to my parents and move back in with them. Then you won't have to worry about feeding me," He rambled as his mind raced.

I watched helplessly as he jumped from excuse to excuse, trying to find a solution for the mess he supposedly created. I could tell he was getting upset with himself as he paced around our room.

"Maybe this was all a mistake," he hummed in defeat.

I quickly pulled him close to me and moved my hands to his shoulders, gripping them tightly. His eyes avoided me like the plague.

It was clear he was frustrated with fighting his brain over why he was gay. I couldn't let him go on like that. I want going to let him doubt our love because of some dumbass homophobes.

"Do I make you happy?" I asked, keeping my voice even.

He paused and looked up at me in confusion, my question taking his mind off of his rant for a minute.

"Do I make you happy, Phil?" I repeated softly.

He looked a bit confused but he complied, nodding slowly as he blinked back tears.

"Then this wasn't a mistake," I promised with a soft smile.

Phil quickly wrapped his arms around me. I squeezed him tightly as he sobbed into my shoulder.

I rubbed his back slowly as he let it all out, "Shh, I'm here baby. I'm not giving up that easily."

He pulled away and sniffled as he wiped his eyes. I moved his dark hair from his eyes and smiled as he caught his breath.

"We will get through this," I promised and kissed him gently. "Together."

"What about our apartment? We'll have to cancel it," Phil sighed.

I shrugged, "Well thats a problem for tomorrow. Dont you think?"

"I guess," He frowned.

I knew he was feeling responsible for this whole mess, but it wasn't his fault people were assholes. That was something that I learned from Phil. How to realize what you can and can't control.

You can't control who accepts you, but you can control how you handle it. Lashing out will never get you anywhere, as will turning a blind eye.

Being confident in yourself has even more power than you might think. It can do wonders for your self esteem, and others will notice a difference too.

All my life I had been pushed around and made fun of for being a 'gay boy' over something that I could not control.

Being gay was not my defining feature.

It was okay for people to pick on me for being gay. I had gotten used to the constant hate and unacceptance from everyone. But I wasn't about to let our sexuality get in the way of our happiness.

It was time for a lifestyle change. Being confident was never my strong point. I was always full of anger and unresolved issues, but as of now I was a confident young man.

"How do you know it'll be okay?" Phil asked me as his breathing slowed.

I shrugged and looked up at window, "It has to get bad before it can get better. And life hasn't exactly been fair to me."

"You think?" Phil replied as I got lost in the view.

I nodded as I watched the spring rain fall down against the windowsill. Things were going to get better, I knew that for sure.

As long as I had Phil by my side, everything would be fine.


	34. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan feels like a third wheel while hanging out with Phil and Pj.

"Hey! My favourite gay boys!" Pj cheered, fake enthusiasm filling his voice.

I rolled my eyes. I didn't like hanging out with PJ, but Phil insisted we did. Apperently having more friends would help us get a job. I didn't understand how, but it made him happy.

"Hey Peej," Phil smiled and heaved his bag onto his shoulder. "Hows it going?"

"Peachy," he replied sarcastically.

Something was weird with him today. He was weird everyday, but something felt off about him today.

"Hows the job going?" He asked, sounding like he already knew somehow.

Phil's shoulders fell as he shrugged, "It wasn't right for me."

"You left?" He gasped as we began to walk.

Phil frowned, "They fired me."

I quickly grabbed his hand and intertwining our fingers. He squeezed my hand as he stood up straight again.

"Do you wanna work with me?" Pj asked, his eyes lighting up.

I know Pj was straight, but part of me felt jealous of the way he looked at Phil. Because I knew that look, Its what got me him after all.

"Wait for real?" Phil asked, hope in his eyes. "Where do you work? I'll do anything."

"I work at my dad's company, cleaning up. You can help if you want," He replied with a genuine smile.

Phil smiled widely, letting go of my hand as he stopped walking. He turned to PJ with wide eyes, like he was some sort of super hero or something.

"Are you joking?" Phil asked enthusiastically. "When can I start?"

Pj laughed, allowing his perfect teeth to make an appearance. For some reason he found joy with Phils excitement.

"Tonight at 8? We can pick you up on our way if you actually want to do it," he suggested.

Phil nodded vigorously, happiness leaking from his bright blue eyes. A smile found its way to my face as I watched him jump with joy.

"Yes! Thank you so much Pj, you're literally a life saver!" He exclaimed as he wrapped Pj up in his arms.

Pj laughed as Phil squeezed him tightly. They hugged a moment too long for my liking, but maybe that was probably because Phil was excited.

"You hear that, Dan? We don't have to cancel our apartment anymore!" Phil grinned as he turned to face me.

I nodded with a smile and pushed my hands into my pockets. Phil working late nights one on one with Pj wasn't exactly what I had expected would come out of this afternoon. But if it kept us our place, so be it.

"Are you jealous?" Pj taunted as he nudged my side with his elbow.

"Yeah. I wish I had a job and parents who loved me," I replied flatly, coming off a bit too strong.

Pj snickered and shook his head. He knew exactly what he was doing, and it pissed me off.

"So you're getting your own place?" Pj asked and began walking beside Phil, leaving me behind.

Phil nodded as he excitedly told him the details. I still had no idea why Pj hated me because I was gay, but didn't hate Phil for it. We were the same, so why did he despise me? Was it because I was rude to him or was it something else?

I kicked a rock along the sidewalk as we walked. I had no idea where we were going, but I imagined it was either for food or to Pj's house.

Phil and Pj talked so much that I felt like the third wheel. I had never hung out with anyone other than Phil before, but being pushed behind two people on the sidewalk was the worst. You had no control over how fast you walked.

If you walked too slow they would leave you behind and if you walked too fast you would step on their feet.

"Here we are! I wanna buy you a treat to celebrate having a new work buddy!" Pj exclaimed as we approached an ice cream shop.

I groaned as Phil squeaked with excitment. He even held the door open for Phil, letting it slam shut in my face. Did they even remember I was here?

I felt like I aged ten years while they ate their fancy ice creams. They were really hamming it up too, sitting across from eachother. Pj reached across the table, holding his cone in front of Phils face while he took a lick.

Pj was one slick bastard, that was for sure. If he didn't know he was gay before, he certainly knew now.

I sat beside Phil, leaning my elbow on the table in boredom as I tried to ignore them licking eachothers icecream.

"Hey Dan, wanna try some? Its really good!" Phil asked as he held his arm out to me.

I looked up at him, snapping back to the personality I was putting on for Phil.

"Oh, no thanks baby. I'm good," I turned him down politely, really confusing the other people listening into our conversation.

Phil shrugged, "Ok. More for me and Pj!"

I took a long breath as I looked down at my lap, "Yep."

After what felt like fucking years of talking and me playing around with my phone, Pj was finally on his way home.

"Hey, do you want a ride home? My dad wont mind," He asked casually, more to Phil than me.

Phil nodded, "Oh for sure! If you don't mind."

"Oh no! Of course not! Anything for a friend," He hummed as a fancy looking van pulled up in front of the store.

I couldn't believe how easy it was for Pj to introduce us to his dad. Phil seemed to get along great with him, which was good since he was his new boss.

I sat awkwardly in the very back by myself as Phil made conversation with Pj's dad about work. Everything seemed to be going fine until Pj let something slip about us being gay. I wasn't paying all that much attention at first, but suddenly my fight or flight response kicked in. I was so ready to defend Phil or even say he wasn't gay.

"Oh? So hes gay?" Pj's dad asked, causing silence for a moment in the van.

"Yeah, uhm. He's gay," Pj mumbled under his breath.

Pj's dad didnt seem very bothered by this, which made me feel better about being in his van. I guess Pj's family was more accepting than he was. Go figure.

"Is that why you're hanging out with him?" His dad asked, causing Pj to turn a bright red.

"Dad!" He whined as I watched from the back seat.

Suddenly something in my mind clicked. Why would his dad be so accepting of something he had no connection too - unless?

His dad laughed, "I'm just teasing you. Sorry."

"You don't mind?" Phil asked politely.

"Oh god no. I couldn't believe it when Pj came out to us, but hes still my baby boy of course," He told Phil with a smile.

I rose my eyebrows as Pj sunk down in his seat. Had his dad just outed him to us?

Was Pj just like us?

What the fuck?

"Oh I didnt know you were gay, Peej! Now we have even more things in common!" Phil gasped.

"I'm not gay, Phil. I wasn't going to tell you guys, but I'm-" he paused as he closed his eyes tightly. "I'm bisexual."

I don't know exactly what was going on in Phil's head at that exact moment, but alarm bells were going off in my head.

He must have just came to terms with that recently. But why? Was Phil his deal breaker? Had be been in denial this whole time?

I was completely shook the rest of the car ride home. I couldn't even hear what everyone else was talking about. Completely lost in my own train of thought up until we got home.

Pj wasn't so bad after all. I knew I should be happy for him, since he was just like us in a way. But somehow it made me despise him even more.


	35. Mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After falling asleep waiting for Phil to return home, Dan panic calls him the next morning when hes nowhere to be found.

It felt impossible to sleep that night without Phil by my side. But I managed somehow, knowing he was safe at work. Even if it was with Pj.

I awoke at what felt like the middle of the night, to the sound of yelling. But according to my phone, it was just past 10am saturday morning. My mom and Daryl usually took off early every weekend, doing something or other.

I groaned and threw my head back into my pillow. It would be over soon. I rolled over and reached for Phil, but only felt his empty spot beside me on the bed. 

My eyes shot open as I looked around the room, maybe he had just gone to the bathroom?

I grabbed my phone and squinted to look at it once more in the dimly lit room. It burned, but I continued anyways. 

A missed call from Phil and about 10 messages waited for me to read.

"Fuck," I cursed outloud as I sat up to read them.

Phil must have stayed over at Pj's house after work. I knew I shouldn't have gone back to sleep. I should have just stayed awake and dealt this my depression for once.

I read the texts over to myself quietly as anxiety began to rush through my body. 

4:15am  
I'm on my way home. So tired. Can't wait to cuddle <3

4:25am  
Babe? Are you awake? My key won't work.

4:25am  
Its cold please wake up.

4:26am  
Answer my call :((

4:30am  
Pj offered to let me stay at his place if you dont feel like getting up :( <3

4:37am  
I'm going to sleep now. I didnt want to bother my family, so I stayed with Pj since they were already awake. I'm sorry I won't be there when you wake up. Goodnight baby, I love you so much.

Suddenly I felt like a terrible human being. Why didn't I hear my phone going off beside me? Was I that tired? Now I wasn't just a jobless loser, I was a useless boyfriend too.

I wondered if he would be awake or not. And if I should call him or not? What was the acceptable thing to do in this situation? 

It may not have been the right option, but I called Phil. If I woke him up, he could come sleep at home with me instead.

"H-hello?" A sleepy voice answered the phone.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" I asked softly, feeling bad.

"Yeah, but it's okay. Is this Dan?" Phil asked sleepily.

I smiled at his sleepy voice. It always made me feel warm inside, maybe it was just the gay in me.

"Mhm. When are you coming home?" I whined as I began to ache for his touch.

"Home? Oh- home! Dan I forgot," Phil gasped, suddenly sounding more alive.

I crinkled my nose in confusion, "You forgot to come home?"

"Pj's dad offered us a way better place! Its a bit more expensive, but since I work for him I'll be making way more than I planned," he explained excitedly. "He said we can move in tomorrow if we want to. Since the other person cancelled."

"What?" I asked to make sure I was hearing him correctly.

"Yeah! I told him I would check with you first because I couldn't make a decision like that without your consent," He told me softly.

"Is this a joke?" I asked in denial.

"Is that a yes?" Phil beamed. "It's not a joke."

This felt so weird and surreal. We just met him yesterday, why would he offer us so much?

"Wow. Really? Y-yeah sure," I stammered. 

"Great! I'll let him know right away. I'll call you later okay?" He promised happily.

Call me? Would he not be seeing me today?

"When are you coming back?" I pouted, jealously running through my veins.

"Soon baby. Ill call or text you when we're coming to pick you up," Phil smiled through the phone.

"Okay. Bye," I sighed as Phil hung up the phone.

What the fuck had just happened? Why would he give us a place so quickly? Something felt wrong somehow, but at the same time I didn't care because we were getting a new place.

I spent most of the day trying to pack our things up, stacking them nicely onto my bed. It felt weird folding all of Phil's clothes and things without him being here.

Eventually Phil texted me and told me that they were waiting outside. I quickly ran out to meet them. It was awkward but we drove to this nice apartment building in silence.

"When Phil told me how he got that bruise there, I couldn't help but want to help. Its not much, but you'll be quite happy here," Pjs dad told me as we walked up to the building.

I looked at Phil and shook my head. So thats how he got us a place so fast? Guilt tripping his friends dad into helping?

Not going to lie I was impressed in his inability to not tell people what horrible family I have.

"Thank you Mr, this so generous of you," I replied, forgetting his actual name. 

He smiled as we walked through the doors and into the elevator, "You can call me Mark."

I nodded as we began to go up in the elevator. I still couldn't believe that we were going to live here - tomorrow.

We stopped at the 9th floor, and walked not far from the elevator down the hall. We arrived to apartment 2022 and he opened the door for us.

It was amazingly big inside compared to our last place. A beautiful balcony allowed for perfect star watching at night, and relaxation during the day.

"Its beautiful but we can't afford this," I sighed and looked back over at Phil.

"Yes we can," Phil laughed with a smile. "It's only 750 dollars a month."

"That's alot," I thought outloud.

Mark chuckled and put a hand on my shoulder, "This is cheap compared to a lot of places out there. And if you do struggle with rent, im the manager."

"Of this too?!' I gasped.

He laughed and nodded, "Yes. Im not going to throw you out. Just let me know ahead of time and we can make arrangements."

I felt my eyes tearing up as I looked around. This place was perfect, and it was ours to keep. I take back everything I said about Pj, his family was the best. I seriously couldn't thank him enough.

"Thank you so much. Im seriously so greatful," I cried as I looked back at Mark.

"Anytime. Just let me know if you ever need anything," He replied with a big smile. "I know what it's like to be trapped."

"Thank you," I repeated myself once more, this time Phil following my lead.

Things were starting to look up for us after all. I guess I was right about something, for once.


	36. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan meets their new neighbor after their first night in their apartment.

I smiled as I held my warm mug of hot chocolate close to my chest. The weather was finally starting to lighten up. The sun returning to brighten the grey sky, lifting the fog from the dewy morning grass. 

The air was crisp against my pale cheeks, a hint of winter still in the air. I took a deep breath as I let the wind flow through my body. Serenity flowing through me as I stood alone on our balcony. It was still too early for Phil to be awake, but I never slept. 

As different was it was, I really found peace watching the sunrise. It was a completely different pleasure, one that I rarely sat and admired. I still couldn't believe that Phil and I had our own place to live, free from worries or complications. It was just the both of us against the world now, and we were stronger than ever.

"Well, good morning!" Our neighbour called over to me as he walked out onto his balcony. "Beautiful isn't it?"

I nodded with a smile, "It sure is."

We hadn't made acquaintances with our neighbours yet, but Pj told us that everybody was pretty chill here. Most of them were older people who just minded their own business. I tried not to stare as I watched him sit down with a mug that looked about as old as me.

"Did you and your family just move here?" He asked with a smile as he caught me staring.

"Oh I- Just me, my boyfriend and our cat really," I hesitated as the words rolled off of my tongue. 

I hoped that this was an accepting old man, otherwise I would have just accidently ruined our whole entire moving experience. My eyes moved past him, looking at the sky once more as I waited for his response. Maybe he didn't hear me, and would just ignore me. 

All I could do was hope, anyways.

He nodded with a small chuckle, "Oh to be young and in love."

"Yeah," I replied awkwardly. 

The only older person I had ever been in contact with was my grandma before she passed away, and she had alzheimer's. How was I meant to carry out a conversation with somebody I had never met before? What was I meant to say?

"I used to live here with my wife. But unfortunately she passed away about a year ago now," He explained with a soft sigh. "I miss her more and more everyday."

I stared back at the old man sitting alone at his patio with two cups of coffee. A frown came upon my face as guilt washed over me. Now I felt terrible for not introducing myself sooner. I wondered what his name was, and if he would like to adopt me.

"I'm sorry," I apologized with a sad smile.

He shook his head as he looked back up at the sky, "Don't be. She's up there painting the sky for me every morning."

"Well she's doing a beautiful job," I breathed, causing small puffs of steam to arise into the air.

"You know, you're the first person to have a real conversation with me in years. What's your name?" He asked softly before pulling his mug to his mouth.

I smiled as he asked me for my name. It was a weird thought, but he was a cute old man. In the future I would make sure that Phil and I would bring him cookies or things from now on, seeing as nobody else cared to do so. He didn't care that I was gay, he just wanted some company.

"Dan," I told him proudly. "My boyfriend is Phil, you'll probably see us out here a lot."

"Well Dan, you go inside and make sure that Phil has an amazing morning. Tell him that you love him as much as possible," He advised sadly. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

"Don't worry. I'll take good care of him," I put forth happily. "Thank you for not judging me for who I love."

He suddenly seemed taken aback, almost as if he was in shock that someone would ever do such a thing. I bit my lip as he looked back at me with shock in his green eyes. He must have not realized how kind he was being just by talking.

"You're always welcome here, Dan. If anybody gives you trouble just send them over to old grandpa Albert," He promised with a proud smile.

I felt stupid for tearing up, but I had just been accepted as family by a complete stranger. I made sure to thank him profusely and excused myself to go back inside to make Phil breakfast. But the truth was I had to go back inside before I burst into tears for the entire street to see. 

From that moment on I knew that there was pure goodness in the world. Phil was never going to believe the interaction that I had this morning, and frankly I don't think that I would believe it either. I sobbed softly as I crawled back into the warm bed, pressing my wet face up against Phil's shoulder.

"What's wrong baby?" He asked sleepily as he rolled over, engulfing me in his arms.

I wiped my eyes as I snuggled into him, "I love you."

He smiled and pressed a small kiss to my forehead before allowing his turquoise eyes to flutter shut once more. Happy tears continued to leak from my brown eyes as he fell back asleep. I never knew that life could be this perfect. For all I knew, things like this only happened in made up fairytales. Whiskers purred as he cuddled up against my legs, almost stopping my tears.

I'm so glad that I had the courage to exist in this crazy, fucked up place we call earth. In just a little under a year I learned who I really was, gained my self confidence, found my soulmate, finally moved out of my moms place and got a cat. 

One things for sure. No matter what life threw at us next, we would be ready to face it together. No doubt about it. Life was an uphill journey, but I couldn't wait to find out what happened next.

Because I knew that as long as I had Phil by my side, I could accomplish anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I love feedback so if you have any feel free :)) <3


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